Gawd, capitalism is SO cool. I mean, there's nothin' sweeter than exchanging your hopes, dreams and self-respect for a lifetime of toiling away in the mines for people who inherited the means of production from their great-great-great-great grandparents. If I had to pick my favorite component of capitalism, it'd totally be consumerism. I'm cool with selling my soul to the company store…as long as that store carries, like, TONS of cute shoes! Indeed, the only thing better than buying things is buying them in bulk. Some things, however, shouldn't be sold in bulk. Take, for example:
Condoms
I’ve got two words for you, kiddo: wishful thinking.
End of the World Supplies
Food hoarding? SO Cold War.
Children
The doctor who implanted twelve embryos in Octomom? Worse than Kevorkian.
Liquor
Alcohol poisoning on aisle three!
Unlabeled, Unrefrigerated Chinese Meat Products
These things shouldn't even be purchased in ones, let alone dozens. My butthole's clenching in fear just looking them.
Old White Women
They've been wandering around Sam's Club for days now. They say they know your grandmother. They don’t. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT BRING THEM INTO YOUR HOME.
Mountain Dew
Do NOT do The Dew in bulk...unless you wanna be the coolest dude in the tri-county area!
Pre-teens
Umm...I'm pretty sure we have laws in place now that prevent things like this.
Muffins
Your parents have been buying these for years. Sit them down tonight and explain to them that they taste like ass. Do it for them. Do it for yourself.
The Written Word, in Any Form
It just ain't right.
Occult Items
First Harry Potter, now this? Get that black magic the hell out of my America!
Ice Cream
You gotta get out of there...the obesity is coming from inside the Costco!
Anything we missed? Let us know in the comments, or tell me on Twitter!
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