So as many of you know, BP has stopped the oil leak (For now). How you ask? Well a month ago, BP read my article about my 5 alternatives to stop the oil leak, and they contacted me.
They had their scientists take a look at my Top Hat procedure and they realized that it was the perfect design. Due to the high pressure of the ocean, and the shape of the top hat, they realized that a 300ft. top hat would act as sort of a suction to stop the leak (For now).
Unfortunately, due to the specific application, and the stresses of being 1 mile under the ocean, this top hat was not made out of any ordinary fabric that you might find at Old Navy. No, the giant top hat was made solely from whale penis leather. And as you can imagine, with a 300ft. top hat, that's a sh*t-ton of whale penis.
Now that Operation Top Hat is in effect, all is well with the ocean... oh except for the estimated 90+ million gallons of oil already spilled. But the ocean is big, right?
But please, don't thank me for Operation Top Hat. Thank the 3,000 underpaid, underage, Chinese kids that took a break from making your tennis shoes to make a gigantic hat, that has saved our planet (For now)!
Unfortunately, due to our quick efforts to save the planet, I'm sad to say that we've pushed 5 species of whales to near extinction. But hey whales, think of it this way, you've sacrificed yourselves to save the rest of your ocean friends, and that's something you should be proud of.
Disclaimer: Smosh would never harm a whale and cannot be held responsible for Ian's insane self-aggrandizement
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