It’s summer time and you’re probably taking a much-needed break from the five-day-a-week grind of the regular school year.
However, as soon as September rolls around you’ll be back in class learning the same old boring stuff.
And of course you’ll be back in Physical Education class wearing the same stinky gym clothes, running, doing pushups, and a bunch of other tedious activities that are never going to help you in life.
Here are some summertime activities that should become a recognized PE class sports. Be sure to ask if your school will be offering any this fall.
Bowling
Bowling is awesome. You get a big giant heavy ball (strength training), and you throw it at a bunch of heavy pins, way far away (hand-to-eye coordination). It’s way better than field sports, just from the fact that you get to wear way cooler shoes while doing it.
Texting
Did you know that they hold worldwide completions for text messaging? Did you know that kids get giant trophies and cash for their dexterity and carpal prowess? If you can win a trophy and money doing it then it’s a sport. If you can work up a sweat while doing it, it's exercise... so get to it!
Cell Phone Mirror Photography
Kids do it all the time, but a lot of them aren’t very good at it. Too much flash, too blurry, a friend using the toilet in the background, etc. There are so many ways to go wrong taking a cell phone self-portrait. True masters of the art form should be rewarded, and held in the same esteem as muscle-bound jocks that hit balls with little sticks and run around bases and whatnot.
Blogging
Blogging is tough stuff. You’ve got to use your mind and creativity to decide what to blog about. Then you’ve got to lug your heavy computer (strength and cardio) from room to room looking for a quiet place away from your parents and siblings to type out your genius. It’s not a sport for wimps.
Karate
Let’s say you’ve mastered blogging, but accidentally wrote a hilarious post making fun of the school bully. What are you doing to do, kickball him to death? No, you need to defend yourself. And that’s where karate comes in. It teaches strength, discipline, hand-eye-coordination and you get to make that awesome “Ki-ya!” sound whenever you do the slightest movement or gesture.
Hiding Annoying People On Facebook
The way people keep posting every insignificant thing that they do to their Facebook walls all day long, this could easily become an Olympic sport. Girl who posts five times in an hour what movie she’s thinking about seeing this weekend – Hidden! Guy who posts pictures of his pet salamander and keeps begging for people to leave a comment on them – Hidden! Anyone who posts what they just ate or pooped – Hidden!
Skateboarding
Okay, so not all the things listed here so far have been “physically active” types of sports. Well, skateboarding certainly is. It involves intense cardio conditioning, core strength, balance and coordination. It requires less equipment than football, baseball or even volleyball. All you need is a skateboard and a flat surface. It’s a no-brainer.
Heely Shoes
So maybe not everyone can afford their very own skateboard, and your school doesn’t have the funds or insurance to run a full-blown skateboarding program. You could run a fundraising car wash or bake sale. Or, you could do the next best thing – start a Heely Shoe Team! They’re cheaper than skateboards and can be used as normal walking shoes. Win-win!
Falconry
Falconry used to be the sport of kings. Now it’s just the hobby of weirdoes who hang out around Renaissance Pleasure Faires. Well, it’s time somebody took the sport back. And that somebody is you. Imagine training a 30-lb bird, with razor claws, to stalk your enemies... err, mice and rats, from a quarter mile in the sky. That’s way cooler than running a five-minute mile.
Skinny Jeans
They’re difficult to get in to, difficult to get out of. They make it impossible to run. They might be the most difficult piece of clothing since the corset. You should definitely get PE credit just for having patience and determination to wear these things, knowing all day long that you’ll have nowhere to put your keys or cell phone.
Karaoke
Singing karaoke (even poorly) is no more embarrassing than getting pantsed by a group of seniors in front of the girls’ lacrosse team. Plus, if you’re good at it you could grow up to be a famous singer on American Idol and make millions of dollars.
Wii Sports
The future is finally here. There are video games where you can play an actual game of tennis against friends in the same room or someone on the other side of the planet. It’s way cheaper than building that bowling alley you were going to petition your school to build. Every school should have one Wii for every four students in its PE classes. Pediatric obesity would be a thing of the past in no time.
Water Balloon Fights
Let’s face it. It’s hot outside. If it’s still this hot when school starts back up we think PE should be called off indefinitely, and replaced with some good old-fashioned water balloon fights. Hand-eye coordination, stamina, cardio – water balloon fights offer it all.
What things have you done this summer that you think would make great PE class replacements for the new school year?
How about LARPing?
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