The REAL Best Ways To Fight Off A Shark Attack

ThatJerkDan

Well it’s officially Shark Week on The Discovery Channel. And there have been a rash of recent minor shark attacks as well as sightings at popular beaches around the world.

 

 

But it’s summer and you still have to go to the beach to cool off.

 

 

Experts have said for years that if you get attacked by a shark the best thing to do is to punch it in the nose.

 

 

We think that’s kind of silly. Especially since sharks skin is actually covered in millions of microscopic razor-sharp teeth called denticles.

 

 

All a swift snout punch is going to do is mess up your hand/arm and drive the shark even more crazy with the scent of your fresh blood.

 

 

Here are a few suggestions of ways to fight off a shark attack that would actually work:

 

Machine Gun

Lay down some suppressing fire and send that cartilaginous carnivore heading for the undersea hills.

 

Chain Saw

Rows of sharp grinding teeth? Two can play at that game. Plus, chainsaws are awesome.

 

Lightsaber

It’s going to be kind of hard for that shark to bite you when it’s been cut in half with a Jedi laser sword, now isn’t it?

 

Shake Weight

Dazzle the shark with your rock-hard bi’s, tri’s, lats and abs and make it feel bad about it’s body and overeating issues, thus losing its appetite and leaving you alone.

 

Hadouken Fireball

It worked for Ken and Ryu against M. Bison. It’ll work for you, too.

 

Two-By-Four

Beating a shark with a two-by-four puts you out of the reach of its jaws and might just land you a wrestling contract with the WWE.

 

Snowplow Truck

It’s a known fact that shark’s hate being run down by motor vehicles equipped with giant shovels. Google it!

 

Taco Bell Farts

They say sharks can smell a single drop of blood as far as a mile away. Let’s see what happens when they get a whiff of that Burrito Supreme you had at lunch.

 

Drop A Safe On The Shark

Daffy Duck, Wile E. Coyote and Elmer Fudd all agree that this is an effective deterrent.

 

Flame Thrower

Looks like someone’s having barbequed shark steaks for dinner. You’ll be the hit of your dad’s company cookout!

 

Taser

Be sure to grab a clip of it on your camera phone so your “Don’t Tase Me, Bro” shark video becomes the viral hit of the summer.

 

Chuck Norris

No explanation needed. Chuck would kill the shark just by looking at it and then make condoms and fannypacks for all of his friends out of its hide.

What other techniques can you think of to ward off a shark?

 

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