I Sat On My Balls

Chris D.

I had something horrible happen to me the other day and I knew immediately that I needed to get the word out to help stop this from happening in the future to other people.

I'm getting older... It's not middle age or anything, but I was told by a fortune teller at the Renaissance Fair that I wouldn't live that long...  I don’t go in for all the hocus-pocus scooby-doo mystery stuff but she was a full-on Gypsy. So maybe this is middle age for me.

I digress. Let me get down to brass tacks...

I have spent the better part of my many years on this planet guarding my groin from the errant baseball...

Protecting them from the all too common punch from my 3 foot high niece...

Avoiding threat from the dreaded bar on the bike, and the occasional angry girlfriend...

Only to have my testicular protecting record shattered by ME.

I guess it is true that you are your own worst enemy and, aparantly,the worst enemy of your balls as well.

I’m not sure who says that... but it is true none the less.

I am still at a loss to imagine what satanic geometry... what demonic underwear malfunction allowed this but at 3:23 PM on 30 August 2010...

I sat on my own balls.

The pain was almost an aside to the shear horror of what took place. I felt as if my soul left my body and my heart stopped beating for a moment.

I was embarrassed, sad and dare I say impressed at my reaction time. As I sat in my chair and events unfolded I almost made it to a full sitting position before my brain registered the pain and I lept in the air and spun 300 degrees at the excruciating pain. Not too bad for a "middle-aged" man.

I would not be walking this one off, however.

I thought about calling my doctor but as she is a woman, I try not to have conversations that start with, “so here is the deal with my balls.” I instead chose the internet and I found that many other men have done the same thing and more severely. I also read that it has something to do with not wearing underware.

I pondered this deeply as  I went to the fridge and got some frozen corn niblets and proceeded to watch “The IT Crowd” series on Netflix. I got to thinking that they should make a bra for your balls. Something that gives them a little lift so you don't accidentally sit on them. So I googled it and guess what... THEY DO MAKE A BRA FOR YOUR BALLS.

What do you think about the ball bra? Have you ever sat on your own balls or known someone who sat on their own balls? I can assure you... it's no fun.
 

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