If you are reading this article, obviously your suspicion has already arisen. Well, hopefully it is not too late. Here at Smosh, we recently discovered our new intern “Harry” was in fact a lycanthrope.
Fortunately, Animal Control was able to drag him off to the ASPCA’s Department of Beasts & Monsters. We hope Harry has been put to sleep. He destroyed the coffee maker and ate the goldfish in the lobby. Plus he killed some Mormons passing through. Anyway, you don’t want a werewolf in your life. Here is what we here at Smosh wish we had known 3 weeks ago. Read on & perhaps your pets won’t have to die. As we always say (now) – “A broken heart is better than a ripped out heart.”
1. Favorite Movies Are About Wolves
Does your mate have a penchant for movies with dog stars? From “The Howling” to “Air Bud” everything in his DVD collection seems to star a mutt. Werewolves tend to resent Michael J. Fox’s “silly” portrayal in "Teen Wolf" but they love Scooby Doo. A good test is to watch “Dances with Wolves.” If he/she cries uncontrollably when the wolf gets shot, that’s not good. Bring up Twilight at your own peril.
2. Prefers To Hang Out In Packs
Your werewolf lover prefers to stay in a group of close friends. Friends that he or she has known “since childhood,” growing up in Obscure-Town-You-Never-Heard-Of.
Hip young werewolves like to do karaoke, but their singing is better described as howling. When most guys are checking out a hot girl, yours eyes a German Shepard.
3. Has An Anti-Social Side
Werewolves are not “pet people.” Cats and dogs are always hissing and growling when your partner is around. People who are allergic to dogs will sneeze when your beloved is nearby.
4. Vacations In The Wild
If your BF/GF has seriously considered moving to Alaska, then decided not to, due to aerial wolf hunting... you better start melting down your silverware to make bullets.
5. Personal Hygiene Trouble
Who keeps a vat of Nair from Costco in the bathroom and goes through 12 razors a week? The werewolf you are shagging. Does your boyfriend’s five’o’clock shadow grow in by 9am? Does he or she keep Flea shampoo in the shower and have more hair on his or her back than you have on your head? Does he/she use enough dental floss to mummify a cockroach daily? It is time to run.
6. Severe Mood Swings
Sure, we all get a little edgy on the night of a full moon – that’s when most women get PMS. But werewolves get hyper at night – I’m talking “parkour” hyper. Does your Mr. or Miss Right wake up in strange places they don't remember going to? Even if it’s after a kegger, if they have a mouthful of dead squirrel, that is not okay.
7. Strange Canine Fetishes
Any werewolf loves a good scratching behind the ears. They can smell what’s cooking blocks away, and tend to suffer from the embarrassment of panting & drooling. What you do behind closed doors is not our business, but mark my words: if he is into humping your leg – that’s a red flag.
8. Things That Make Him/Her Snarl
You can’t play your stereo, TV or turn headphones to volumes above the halfway mark without him/her barking that it's too loud. High pitched noises upset your mate. They despise the vacuum cleaner. We won’t even get into what they do to the newspaper.
9. Unusual Tastes In “Fine Dining”
The dead giveaway that your sweetheart is likely to gut you like a fish is in his or her diet. If they LOVE meats – especially steak tar-tar or the KFC “Double Down,” you pretty much have minutes left to live. Also if he/she gnaws on bones, snaps at you for coming near their food, or is prone to killing and eating people - you are dating a werewolf.
Comments
Post a Comment