Amazing scientific breakthroughs in the area of men's undergarments have brought us these truly bizarre products...
1. Under-Ease Anti-Flatulence Underwear
Words cannot describe how I feel toward this unexpected internet find. Pretend for a moment that they’re not for your Grandpa and all of his Retirement homies, and that they’re actually for someone in their teens and their twenties’. Who would they sell this to? People that love to eat bean and cheese burritos all day every day? You think the spritely, enthusiastic teens in those Taco Bell Fourth Meal commercials are getting down with some anti-flatulence drawers? And as you’re digesting that last image, rest on this thought and savor it: there’s a factory somewhere where hard working individuals are sweating bullets over machinery to bring these to you. You’re welcome.
2. Kilt G-String
Look, I get it - you’re Scottish. You’re proud! (Who wouldn’t be, come on?) But this is truly hitting a new low. Look, when I told you that I thought it was great if we could get back in touch with each of our heritages... I thought we were going to go to some theme restaurant or something. But this? This is just a little too much. Let’s not forget that this isn’t even the traditional draping of the kilt, it looks like your crotch is about to be the special guest drop-in at the local Open Mic. Somewhere, a bearded ginger is playing his bagpipes and crying.
3. Instant Underpants
This product is so bizarre as a whole, that it’s the only time that the simple usage of the word “underpants” doesn’t completely gross me out. When would something like this come in handy? When you decide to go on an impromptu trip into the Amazon and you realize when you’re halfway there that you forgot a change of intimates? When you walk through one of those homemade Haunted Houses and a guy in a Scream mask bombards you from around the corner and you suddenly need a quick change?
4. Depend For Men Underwear
This is a perfect example of the brand itself ruining the product before it’s even escaped its cellophane wrap. I don’t care if these are made with the softest cotton, the most forgiving elastic waist, the most stylish of prints and colors that would make Michael Kors blush - I’m gonna make like a restraining order, and not come within 100 feet of these.
5. Fundies
What? Not “Funderwear”? No “fanties”? What about “Fong?” Too moldy sounding? I haven’t even gotten past the tip of the ice berg enough to comment on the fact that these are underwear built for two. As in more than one, as in “Hey pal, get in here.” I care not to elaborate on the motives behind the inventor of these inconceivable skivvies, so I’ll just leave this here.
6. Security Briefs
Don’t ever let your creepy iced-out Uncle tell you what’s funny. In fact, don’t ever sit next to him at Thanksgiving dinner when your Aunt decides to provide the night’s alcohol. Suddenly he’s 4 wines in and insisting that a loud fart noise is God’s way of tickling your funny bone, and that fake skidmarks are comedy’s most advanced visual joke-making. If you listen, then you end up with these “Security Briefs,” part keeper of house keys (in secret pockets), part punch line - no pay off.
7. Mormon Undergarments
Members of the Mormon Church wear special temple garments to help them remember the teachings of the temple. Some say that these special undergarments give you special super powers, but really they just make you look like your Great-Great-Great-Grandmother embroidered a fancy handkerchief onto your doily.
8. Underwear Repair Kit
Ah yes, what has the male population been missing this entire time? What have they been dreaming of while running around town like they’re a mix between the lead dude from ‘Smallville,’ and Jack Bauer from ’24’? Better question: What kind of activity could there possibly be that would ruin the sanctity of a man’s underwear? Either/or the makers of the Underwear Repair Kit seem to have the answer, and if not, well, it’ll sure be a great joke gift at your brother’s 20th birthday party.
9. Stud Undies
This product comes complete with a VHS copy of the Jennifer Lopez/Ice Cube-starring film, “Anaconda” and a collection of male testimonies claiming they may be single, but dammit if they don’t feel a newfound confidence within themselves.
10. Mooning Shorts
Ever wanted to show someone, “Hey, I think you’re kind of a putz, but I don’t want to actually pull down my shorts and moon you because hey - then the joke would kind of be on me?” Well then all of your dreams have been answered with ‘Mooning Shorts’. Yes, mooning shorts for the aggressive timid dudes in your local neighborhood.
Which one do you think is the most bizarre?
Comments
Post a Comment