Farting in public. It’s everyone’s worst nightmare. And if it isn’t, you’re gross and it should be.
I don't buy into this “it’s just part of being human” attitude. Farts should be a source of shame and/or laughter. But when the stinky finger is pointed at you, you’ll thank me for these bulletproof cover stories. Good luck.
1. Immediately Blame The Person Closest To You
Starting with a classic, speed is key here. If you get that “pre-fart” moment where you know the Fart Train’s a comin’ and cannot be stopped – this is your chance to pick your scapegoat. The perfect choice: whoever is nearest to you. Whether it’s Grandma or your girlfriend, BLAME THAT BIOTCH. The fights that ensue are always too chaotic to really pin the blame on anyone.
2. You Were Practicing Your Cosplay Moves
In the company of fellow Cosplayers, a claim that you are replicating a precise Naruto move ought to garner you respect. Anybody else will be too confused to argue with you.
3. You Were Recently Probed By An Alien
Everybody knows where the Alien probe goes. Wow, that was like a poem. If you can tremble, break into a sweat and shoot a laser out of your ass, even better. Remember the key to this cover up is the phrase: “I’m not ready to talk about it.”
4. Keep A Baby Skunk With You At All Times
This is just good advice in general. Skunks are handy for attracting girls and repelling dogs or muggers. Of course, it will take a while for you to develop skunk-stink immunity. But with practice, you can use your skunk like an adorable stink bomb that drops everyone in a 10-yard radius, except for you.
5. Pretend You’re Wearing An Invisible Jetpack
Technology is skyrocketing (no pun intended) all the time. Fox News even briefly covered a hoax story that the LAPD were getting jetpacks to fight crime. So why wouldn’t your co-workers believe you? The tricky part of this cover-up is you’d better train in Parkour or high jumping so you can high tail it out if there.
6. In Your Culture, It’s A Compliment
Ask Yoshi. Depending where you are from, behaviors are wildy different when it comes to showing appreciation. Like in Asia, a belch at the table is a sign of a great meal. So next time you let one rip at Pinkberry, just explain that you’re Canadian, and that’s just what Canadians do to express “YUMMY.”
7. Create A Smoke Screen
Very few people have the incredible fart power as the man pictured above, Gunter Blowflort – world champion Farter from Zurich. If you have a farting “problem,” embracing it may be the way to go. With a lighter and a diet of beans, you can create a real smoke screen and escape like a super villain.
8. It Is A Defense Mechanism
Maybe you’re the next stage in human evolution. And maybe this scent is no fart, but a poison gas emitted from glands behind your ears – just like Kevin Costner in Waterworld. If anyone calls your bluff, fart on them.
9. Your Ass Is Haunted
Don’t you fools realize what a fart IS? Farts are the Ghosts of food! Strike fear in the hearts of those around you by informing them that this was no regular fart that escaped your “containment system” but a Level 5 Fish Taco Poltergeist. Be sure to make a big show of “recapturing” the Food-Ghost. Be prepared. Always carry a pack of matches and a P.K.E. meter.
10. Practicing For Your Audition Reel
If you’ve ever watched Family Guy, South Park or anything on Adult Swim, you already know that farting on cue is a major part of cartoons. People may laugh at first, but watch their amusement turn to envy when you explain you have an AUDITION to work on (your favorite show) and you must be able to fart on demand. To really impress, fart again for emphasis.
11. Detonate A Nuclear Warhead
Granted, it seems harsh to destroy an entire city (including yourself) over a little butt-cloud. But we aren’t here to judge your feelings.
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