Do you ever look down at your dog or cat and say to yourself, "What a boring pet, I wish Scraps would do something cool like breathe fire, or shape shift, or steal the souls of bad children and keep them in glass jars in the basement."
Real pets are boring, all they do is eat and go to the bathroom, they're basically four-legged grandparents. The coolest thing a dog ever did was surf, and that was Spuds Mackenzie, and he died of complications related to alcohol poisoning in 1989.
Since then no dog has ever done anything more interesting than catch a Frisbee. And cats, the last cat to ever do anything interesting was Whiskers, the cat that went to USC to learn cinematography and later won the academy award for best art direction for "Apocalypse Now" in 1979. But that cat also died of complications related to alcohol poisoning in 1989. 1989 was a bad year for dogs and cats.
Since real pets have all been boring since then, we here at Smosh.com have composed a list of 8 mythical animals that would make amazing pets:
1. Chupacabra:
The Chupacabra is a South American bat-monster that flies around late at night feeding on the blood of goats and cattle. It hates humans and reacts with great violence to anyone who catches sight of them. Which doesn't sound like it would make a very good pet, but on the flipside its feces is iPads. Which have a resale value of like $299, so every time it takes a crap you make like $300.
2. Cerberus:
The hound that is said to guard the entrance to Hell, Cerberus has three heads and dozens of rows of razor-sharp teeth. He drools fire, and picks his teeth with the bones of heroes who have dared to best him. He also likes to be tickled behind his right ear, and if a butterfly lands on his nose he almost always sneezes.
3. Medusa:
Yes she can turn you to stone with her very gaze, and yes she's always getting snakes everywhere, which is a real nuisance, but how much cooler would you be at the dog park when everyone else has chihuahuas and pugs and you roll up with a hot chick who has snakes for hair on a leash?
4. God:
At first you might think it would be a bad idea to have an infinite, omnipotent being for a pet. But it has its advantages. For instance, he never starts barking annoyingly when someone walks by the house because he created everything so he already knew that person was going to walk by and he's not surprised. Just don't ask him when you are going to die, because you think you want that information, but trust me, you don't.
5. Ariel:
What other pet can you make out with the top half of and cook the bottom half of? Ariel owner's tip: The clamshell bra is harder to get off than you would think. And her bottom half goes best with a lemon-butter sauce, but DO NOT OVERCOOK or it gets too flaky.
6. The Human Centipede:
Of all the mythical animals this one has by far the most upsetting clean-up. And it is really bad at playing fetch, because the various parts of it can never agree on which direction to go. On second thought, I would probably not go with the Human Centipede for a pet. Get a nice hamster or something. If you really need you a sewn together pet, get three hamsters and sew them together.
7. Taylor Lautner:
Taylor Lautner makes a great pet because he's sensitive when he's human, fearsome and loyal when he's a wolf, and you save a ton of money not having to buy shirts. Just don't make out with a vampire in front of him or he'll get all sulky and rev his motorcycle all loud and it will piss everybody off. Best of all, like the Chupacabra, Taylor Lautner's feces is iPads.
8. A Hydra with the Jonas Brothers for Heads:
Having three separate Jonas Brothers is way inconvenient because you never know when you'll need the brilliant Joe Jonas to help you figure out a difficult math problem and all you have available is Kevin Jonas, who couldn't do a simple arithmetic problem to save his life. I can't even count the number of times I've had needed the potent, brute strength of Nick Jonas to help me open a hard-to-open can, and all I had was Kevin Jonas, who's limp, weak arms couldn't pull a piece of toilet paper off a roll. I guess what I'm saying is I hate Kevin Jonas. Luckily most of the heads on the Jonas Brothers Hydra are Joe and Nick.
Which Mythical creature would you want for a pet? Tell us in the comments below!
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