We’ve all done the occasional weird thing in our sleep – maybe said a few words, or even kicked the person next to us.
But true sleepwalkers take it to a whole other level. There are true stories of people driving, making art and committing crimes totally ASLEEP. Talk about a convenient alibi! When I was in college, my roommate Abby was a sleepwalker, so I got pretty familiar with her weird nocturnal behavior. There’s things that suck about living with a sleepwalker, but it has some surprising perks too! Check ‘em out…
Keep Them Contained
Think of them like a dog or toddler – don’t let them out of sight! My roommie would disappear in 2 minutes while I was brushing my teeth or something and I wouldn’t find her till campus security brought her home (usually.) And they don’t have to go out to cause trouble – the number one crime of sleepwalkers? Peeing on stuff. Anything but the toilet. I recommend a dog collar round the ankle and leash to tie them to the bed post.
Make Them Do Chores
Here’s where the fun starts (or ends, depending.) Sleepwalkers can do amazing stuff involving lots of dexterity. Look up Lee Haden, a guy who draws – but only in his sleep! So with a little patience and training, maybe you can persuade your somnambulist to do some housekeeping while they’re up and about. Just hand them a few dishes – plastic at first – and pretty soon they’ll take it from there.
Life Of The Party
Party get out of hand? Looking for somebody to peg that wine-cooler stained rug on? Look no further. Sleepwalkers are great scapegoats. They have no idea what they have been up to anyway, so why not tell them? It might seem cruel, but if sleepwalkers are found innocent of murder – like Kenneth Parks who killed his mother-in-law, nobody is gonna hold a little pizza sauce on the couch against them.
Return To Nature
Need the room to yourself for a little romance or just cramming for a test? Sleepwalkers love the great outdoors! Lure your sleepwalker out to sleep under the stars by holding a Twinkie under their nose and leading the way. (Tasty snack can be adapted as fits your sleepwalker’s needs.) You’ll have your privacy and your sleepwalker will commune with nature. Note: this tip is not advisable in bear country.
Hold Stunt Shows
Anything annoying that can’t be used to turn a profit has got to be stopped. So before you smother your sleepwalker, see what kind of daredevil you have on your hands. You never know, you might wind up with a subconscious daredevil like a 15-year-old girl in England who climbed a 130 foot crane! If your sleepwalker can tightrope or walk on coals or something, you can sell tickets.
Be A Hero
Speaking of life threatening moves, another way to benefit from a sleepwalker is to be their hero. Follow him or her out the next few times they wander off in a dream. They might just actually need you! If not, you can always “encourage” them to take a swim or lay on the train tracks… Waking up a sleepwalker to save their life is always okay! Boy will they be grateful. You won’t have to do your own laundry for a year.
Be A Wingman
If your roomie keeps blowing it with girlfriends (or boyfriends!) help cover for him. Don’t let them leave their lover all alone. The least you can do is slide into the bed in their place. That’s what friends are for.
Thrills & Chills
It’s exciting living with a sleepwalker. They sure are full of surprises, and you ought to be full of surprises right back! Don’t get too attached though – sleepwalkers are accident prone. Like poor Timothy Brueggeman, who walked miles in the freezing cold in his underpants till he froze. If you can’t afford the rent solo, we recommend having a back-up roommate in mind.
Comments
Post a Comment