It’s almost 2011, and while we can’t wait to see Snooki publicly sacrificed by MTV, the pressure to make New Year’s Resolutions is ON like Donkey Kong. (More like Mario Galaxy.)
We put ourselves through this guilt-grinder year after year! Why make IMPOSSIBLE promises to yourself that you could NEVER keep, like “lose 5 lbs.” or “eat more Tofu.” ARE YOU MENTAL?! You’re only human!
True - the New Year is the ideal time for a new beginning. The past is behind you, even if everyone does still judge you for it (and they do.) By all means, start over. Walk to the beat of your own drum. But rather than set up to FAIL, set goals you couldn’t eff up if you tried: things other people resolve AGAINST. We at Smosh came up with this list of a dozen easy resolutions you can really stick to.
1. Losing Is For Losers: Gain Weight
Boo hoo, my ass is wider than the Great Wall of China. I haven’t seen my feet in two years. PULL YOUR FLABBY SELF TOGETHER! Why join the legions who succumb to the pressures of advertising, Hollywood and cruel social stereotypes of what’s hot? Especially when there are delectable HoHos out there waiting to be devoured! If beauty is skin deep, then stretch that skin out like a circus tent filled with lard. While others starve, GAIN WEIGHT. As much & as fast as you can. If anybody questions you, just tell them to “Gmm ymmpph bmph fff.” (Who cares what the words are, just make sure you talk with your mouth full.)
2. Hygiene? Who needs it!
In the words of the great American philosopher, Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Society has gone totally OCD when it comes to cleaning. Well one easy change for your New Year (and a fine way to freak out those annoying germophobes) is a washing walkout. See how long you can go without bathing. Think of all the time you’ll save for gaming, snacking, napping or more gaming! We’re not saying we’ll hang out with you, but it’s an option.
3. Start Smoking
Don’t you ever think these cigarette warnings protest TOO much? Smoking can’t be thaaaaat bad. Okay, it can. But still, if all you are looking to do is impress your friends, here’s a horrible idea how. Pick up smoking! First of all, you’ll prove you’re a reckless daredevil, sorta. Then, and this is the kicker, you QUIT reallllly soon, like maybe after one. Then you get to have that ex-smoker smugness and all the kudos of getting over the one substance more addictive than heroin. Yay!
4. We Don’t Need No Education
People often resolve to improve their education in the New Year. Um, two words: INTER NET. Read less, unless it’s SMOSH articles. Watch more TV. Leave the thinking to the robots.
5. Procrastinate NOW!
Finishing what you start is for chumps. You’re an IDEA man (or woman.) In fact, we at Smosh will be disappointed in you if you even finish reading this article in one go. What’s next? Read all of Moby Dick in one visit to the john?! We hate to finish ANYTHING around here besides cakes and spending the petty cash. (Usually on cake mix.) As a matter of fact, I think I left the stove on. Hold that thought…
6. Pssh. You Call THAT Drinking?
This is perhaps the dumbest common New Year’s Resolution. Aside from the fact that drinking less makes the hideous barbs of real-life all the more painful, you’re much more likely to be asked to drive. Most people declare this ingenious plan to cut back while wearing a beer helmet and little else while at a New Year's party. Don’t make a fool of yourself at the occasional social gathering: commit to FULL-TIME intoxication! Just think, if you’re hammered 24/7 how pleased people will be when you DON’T hurl in the floral arrangement. So bottoms up, up, and away! (Disclaimer: We at Smosh assume you are 21, don’t own a car, and have no interest in the well being of yourself or others.)
7. Take Your Job & Shove It
Work, work, work. Aren’t we the busy beavers. Stop moaning about the economy, your “benefits” or “health insurance” and flouncing about like a big pair of Granny panties. Show people what you’re made of: slack off at work. Make your 2011 challenge how LITTLE you can do without getting fired. Make a points system. Challenge fellow cubicle-cellmates. Bonus points for sculptures made from office supplies, hours spent sleeping on the job and freakiest porn surfed on company computers. Good luck. (You should probably invest in a sleeping bag on January 1, just in case.)
8. Family? What family?
The most common resolution that makes the least sense to our finest Smosh sociologists (or maybe it was sociopaths?) is this NONSENSE about spending more time with your family. YOUR FAMILY? That’s the WORST IDEA in the whole history of mankind EVER! This goes for friends, too. Use your HEAD. By the time you read this, the world population will be about 6,891,371,434. We don’t even know how to SAY that number. But we know this: you’ve already spent a grossly disproportionate amount of time with everyone you’ve ever met in comparison to everyone there IS. Get out there and mix, son!
9. Charity Work Is For Un-Creative People
Spare us the tiny violins. Yeah, yeah - so the world’s infested with homeless Pandas with HIV. We KNOW. What difference can ONE PERSON make? NONE difference. “What about Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr., blah blah blah?” Flukes, dude. We at Smosh are realists. Some think this view is cynical, but I always tell them “your dad probably didn’t swap you for a VW bus, jerkface!” Then I weep, drink and smoke more. (See above sections #3 and #6.)
10. Date Yourself
Not getting any? Looking for love or at least something with a pulse? Make your personal goal to bring sexy back. (Disregard #2 and #8 in this case.) Be awesome. What do awesome people do? Here are some basics to start you off. Wear jeans – the more the better. The coolest man in the history of the world was a rebellious, young Egyptian ruler who was mummified entirely in acid-wash. Many people will tell you the key to finding and keeping a relationship is stay positive, have self respect, seek balance, give and take equally. These people are not cool. Snub them and look for the drunkest hottie at the party. (Note: it may be preferable to already HAVE Herpes.)
11. Are You Paranoid? You Seem Paranoid...
Whether you live in earthquake country or avalanche-burg, have disaster management plans to keep yourself (and family or whatever, I guess) safe from horrifying calamities. You can NEVER be too prepared. Tornados, Biblical Plagues, Zombies, Mass Spontaneous Combustion, a litter of rabid Godzillas… That’s the thing about hellish emergencies. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to re-count the canned milk in my subterranean bunker.
12. Stress Your Way To An Aneurysm
No matter what you do to change your life this New Year – remember one crucial thing: it’s not good enough. Not even CLOSE. Suckers around you will make changes to “de-stress” their “hectic modern lives” with placebos like meditation, listening to whale song, a healthy diet, regular exercise, furthering their education, and meeting interesting new people. Well GOOD LUCK sticking to that, Deepak Chopras! We say: “Excess your way to success!” Like Mamma used to say, “anxiety is what keeps you from being eaten by the monster under the bed.” Then she’d turn off all the lights and go bar hopping.
Okay, fine. I may have digressed once or twice to draw from personal experience. You get what you pay for, people. Granted, these suggestions may ultimately be bad for you, but follow them closely and you probably won’t remember any of 2011 anyway.
What are the best and worst New Year’s Resolutions you know?
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