Jury duty sucks. As soon as you turn 18 and register to vote, you’ll get a jury summons every year until you die.
Most people try to come up with excuses so they don’t have to serve, but judges have heard it all. If you really want to get out of jury duty, you’re going to need to come up with something more creative than “I don’t wanna.”
Of course, if you actually try any of these excuses, you might get charged with contempt of court—but at least you won’t have to hang out with 11 other people too stupid to get out of serving.
1. “I can only communicate telepathically.”
Be sure you give the judge this excuse via a written message. Remember, you can only communicate through thought! But if you mess up and say something out loud, thus blowing your cover, the judge might excuse you because you are a total idiot.
2. “I have Tourette’s Syndrome.”
To pull off this one, you'll need to shout obscenities all during the jury selection—and maybe drool a little. For extra points, yell “FIRETRUCK!” instead of “f*ck.”
3. “My people do not recognize your Earth laws.”
Jury duty is only for American citizens. When the lawyers ask you where you were born, tell them Glaxon VII in the Betelgeuse system. How will they be able to prove you wrong? It’s not like they know what a Glaxonite looks like!
4. “I wear bees instead of clothes.”
If you show up for jury duty naked and covered with bees, you’ll probably be excused. Bees not only sting, but also swarm, which means they'd leave you standing naked in the courtroom, and no one wants to see that.
5. “Ba da ba ba da…I’m lovin’ it.”
No matter what anyone says to you, respond by singing the McDonalds jingle. The judge will excuse you just to save herself from having to hear you sing the catchy tune over and over and over and over and over… (Note: The Chili's Babyback Ribs song works well, too.)
6. “I fart uncontrollably.”
Eat lots of beans before you arrive for jury selection—you may have to demonstrate your problem to the court.
7. “I’m going to a Sarah Palin rally that day.”
As soon as you say this, the judge will dismiss you for being too stupid to serve.
8. “I’ll have to bring my seeing-eye wombat.”
The judge probably wouldn’t bat an eye if a jury candidate needed a seeing-eye dog, but a wombat might be a different matter. No one would pay attention to the witness testimony because they’d all be wanting to play with your wombat.
9. “I brought a note from my mommy.”
If Mommy says you don’t have to do jury duty, then the judge will have to excuse you, right? Be sure to wear diapers, and pin the note to your chest so you don’t lose it.
10. “Justin Bieber tickets are going on sale that day!”
If you try to use this excuse, you won’t have to serve—the judge will throw your @ss in jail.
Do you have any creative ideas for fibbing your way out of jury duty? Tell us!
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