Samus Aron is the best space marine the Galactic Federation has ever had. But she was also the first female, so the scientists who designed her suit for the Galactic Federation had to work fast to retrofit it for a woman. Here are just some of their upgrades:
1. The Viewing Screen In The Helmet Comes Pre-Programmed To Download Every Oprah Book Of the Month Club Book
Women trust Oprah more than they trust their own cycles, the Galactic Federation knew if Samus was going to be able to fight in remote locations at the ends of the universe she'd need to be able to know what Oprah wanted her to read.
2. She Can Pick From Two Different Styles Depending On Her Mood
Every woman has her Team Jacob days and her Team Edward days, even space marines.
3. The Stomach Is Expandable In Case She Gets Pregnant
Samus might want to have kids one day. The scientists took this in to account by including an expandible adamantium stomach casing so she would still be able to raid Metroid nests well into her eighth month of pregnancy.
4. The Suit's Helmet Automatically Lowers When Samus Is Hit On So She Can Drop An "Are You Kidding Me Guy" Eyebrow Raise
Having one of your hands be a plasma blaster is no where near as effective at getting rid of annoying suitors as an icy stare.
5. It Comes With A Sympathetic, Yet Brassy Gay Friend. Standard.
All women need a gay male friend to "get them." Samus just needs her to be as capable of surviving the harsh sub zero temperatures on ancient, forbidden worlds as he is capable of dispensing spicy witticisms about her boyfriend's standoffishness.
6. Heels
Samus sometimes needs to attend functions where she has to both look elegant and kill the crap out of space pirates. Heels are the ultimate solution because they look great, but can be pulled off and plunged into the heart of an enemy
What other girlie things can Samus's suit do? Let us know in the comments!
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