It’s that time of year when Hollywood takes a dump on paying movie goers everywhere. While the award winners are usually released in the fall, the first months of the year are reserved for the likes of Norbit, Hotel for Dogs and Tooth Fairy. But the truth is bad movies are released all year long. And no one likes blowing their hard-earned cash on 2 hours of cinematic turd. So in the interest of contributing to the common good, I’ve created this list of signs that a movie’s pretty much gonna suck. And yes I realize there will be exceptions.
1. It Has The Words ‘Twilight Saga’ In The Title
If I’m being honest… I enjoyed watching the first Twilight movie at home after drinking half a box of wine. After watching the next two…I’m thinking it was the wine.
2. It’s A Horror Movie Sequel
I mean seriously, even The Godfather was only good twice. The only reason to go see Saw VII is the off-chance that your date might get so terrified, that when reaching for your hand she accidentally grabs your junk. And after the cost of the tickets and popcorn and candy…that’s a pretty expensive cheap thrill.
3. There’s A Pun In The Title
Gno thanks Gnomeo and Juliet! And that goes for Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel, Garfield: Tale of Two Kitties and Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Bone. Okay… that last one is x-rated…but it did suck. Not to mention the terrible job they did when casting Hermione Banger.
4. It’s A Romantic Comedy
These movies usually star Katherine Heigl and are about two people you hate together and apart. The only good thing about wasting your money on a romcom is to get an idea of where your current relationship might be heading. For instance…If your girlfriend turns to you after the movie ends and asks you why you can’t be more like Ashton Kutcher…she’s delusional. Hope you enjoy your future life as a stalked ex-boyfriend. And girls if your boyfriend pulls out Hello Kitty tissues to dab his eyes during the credits … you will be single soon, but at least you’ll have a lifelong gay BFF and a date for this summer’s Glee Live!
5. It’s Based On A Video Game
When Resident Evil is the best your genre has to offer…it’s a sucka** genre. Although I have to admit I might throw down some cash to see Grand Theft Auto: The Ballad of Gay Tony. What can I say? I’ve kind of got a thing for gay gangsters… just ask my kitten, lil’ Omar Little.
6. It Stars Jennifer Aniston
Girl does not make good decisions… I mean she dated John Mayer for chrissakes! Well, I was sure her luck had changed when I read that Jen was nominated for an acting award…but it was a Razzie for worst actress of the year. Well, at least she’d break her losing streak, right? It’s in the bag, baby! Then I found out her fellow nominees include Miley Cyrus and Kristen Stewart. Maybe she is cursed…
7. It’s A ‘Comedy’ That Stars Old Dudes
There will be Tim Allen, John Travolta or Robin Williams. There will be a Viagra mishap and a scene where a 7 year old ginger child kicks the star in the nuts. There won’t be any laughs and if there are any laughs, they are the ones you already saw in the trailer. And the nut kicking thing. That’s always funny.
8. It’s Directed By M. Night Shyamalan
I’m pretty sure we’ve given him enough chances, right? The only reason to waste money on his movies is to watch in amazement as he out-craps his last crappy movie. But looking on the bright side… only an egomaniacal d-bag would be arrogant enough to think he could make something worse than The Last Airbender… oh wait… nevermind.
What makes you avoid a movie at all costs? Let us know in the comments!
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