I keep accidentally staking Robert Pattinson and I feel terrible about it. I mean, It all started innocently enough.
He and I had been hanging out lately because we both like cleaning the insides of girl's ears with our tongues to help them hear better. It's the kind of charity work I enjoy.
Also we both think it's way fun to stand under an umbrella and make silly faces at each other.
So we've been having these big fun sleepovers. Robert will come over to my house with a bunch of hot chocolate and popcorn and we'll stay up all night concentrating really hard to try to make our arm pit hair grow really fast. But it never does.
Sometimes we get real silly and have pillow fights, or gossip. Like one time Robert was like, "Hey Dan! Promise not to tell? Seriously you gotta swear on your mother's dad's grave! But I saw Taylor Lautner steal a salt shaker from the catering truck!" "No way!" I'll scream-giggle. "Total way!" He'll reply. And then we'll laugh so loud it wakes up my mom. Or Robert will do this fun thing where he turns into Paris Hilton and complains about his water weight all night.
But then one night Robert went crazy and tried to lock me in a gilded bird cage. He thought it was the funniest thing.
But that was OK, I forgave him. But then later I cut my little finger on a puzzle piece for a 3D puzzle we were doing of the Eiffel Tower. He got all quiet, and his eyes kind of glazed over. I told him it's not a big deal, calm down, it's just a little blood, and he just kind of nodded with this faraway look in his eyes.
Then he went for me. I flipped out! I ran behind three trashed college girls, but he plowed right through them. So, reacting without thinking, I broke off the leg of a chair and stabbed him with it.
"Ow, what the heck, man!" He screamed.
"You tried to suck my blood man!" I yelled back.
We apologized to each other and he tried to make it up to me by giving me a half empty water bottle and his favorite plaid jacket, but I'm all jumpy around him now and every time he makes a sudden move I break a leg off of something and plunge it into his heart. I feel terrible about it but I mean, he started it. I know Robert Pattinson reads SMOSH all the time, it's his third favorite thing behind listening to police frequencies and being attractive to women in public; so I just wanted to take this opportunity to say I'm sorry for always staking you Robert. And I hope you'll forgive me. Also, you left your seventeen empty cans of L.A. Looks Hair Spray at my house.
Have you ever accidentally staked Robert Pattinson? Let us know in the comments!
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