It doesn’t seem long since the Power Puff girls dominated animation. But in fact, the Girls haven’t been the tiny Queens of Cartoon Network in about 5 years!
What have they been up to since then? We here at SMOSH wanted to know. So we gave their manager, Bernie Q. Zinfandell, a call. Based on Bernie’s tears of joy that anyone from the media was even calling to ask about the PPGs, we should’ve know right away that this story was not going to have a happy ending. Brace yourselves, because the Power Puff Girls are “all growed up.” Wait – that was the Rugrats. Whatever, you get the idea.
So Bernie set up a lunch meeting for myself, and the trio formerly known as Power Puff, at chichi Urth café in West Hollywood. They were 45 minutes late, but under an hour late is “on time” here in Los Angeles. My Organic Earl Grey Boba with Jasmine nearly came out my nose as Blossom, Buttercup and Bubbles walked in. No longer the innocent-looking tykes we know and love, they have filled out – admittedly with more than a little help from Botox and boob jobs.
After spending another 30 minutes getting settled at our table and squabbling over coffee orders, I saw the playful banter of the OLD PPGs at work. But they have changed. There’s a hint of bitterness in these ex-starlets. I could tell from the way Buttercup bitch-slapped the waiter for bringing her 2% milk. “What have you been up to?” I popped the big question. Blossom, of course, took the lead in telling me that after they left CN over a “puberty dispute” the PPGs continued to work together on a number of other shows, starting with Dragon Ball Z – but egos clashed, until Goku flung his poop at them on set.
The trio continued to attempt to “re-brand” themselves in the Manga world. There was a talk of a co-production with Sailor Moon, but Bubbles freaked out at the idea of working beside another blond. It was like “two Japanese fighting fish in a pint glass,” Buttercup recalled, “not pretty.” It was around this time that Bubbles stopped taking her lithium. Money was tight and getting tighter. The trio had to downsize to sharing a small studio apartment in the grungiest area of Echo Park. (Near Echo Park’s famed “Bodybag” Lake.)
For a while, things began to look up for the Power Puffs. They landed a pilot at Disney called “3 Of Hearts” about heiress triplets who live in a diamond-encrusted zeppelin and rescue abandoned Chihuahuas around the world. Unfortunately, when Disney tested the series, numerous tweens in the focus group tried to asphyxiate themselves by stuffing their questionnaires down their own throats. It was another blow to the struggling PPGs.
The rescue-themed pilot brought back our girls’ appetite for a$$-kicking. After pleading with their manager, who in turn had to actually lick Stan Lee’s car clean to get the meeting, the PPGs finally were up for their own series as Marvel heroes. But the girls grew impatient holding poses for the long photo-shoots required In an early story, they worked with the Hulk and rubbed him the wrong way. According to crewmembers, the PPGs “diva behavior that would make J-Lo blush” enraged the Hulk off-cue. The Hulk even fumed about it on his Twitter feed: [email protected] HAVE ENUFF REASONS DRINK WITHOUT POWER JERKS WRECK CONCENTRATION ON SET”
The Power Puff Girls were running out of options. Bubbles mental instability made her increasingly unpredictable. She even appeared in numerous “Girls Gone Wild” videos. After turning down a “Power Puff Girls Gone Wild” video series, the PPGs accepted a Reality Show deal with MTV that would set the girls up in a beach house and follow the story of their “comeback.” Part of the deal was the girls maintaining Jillian Michaels levels of fitness. Which they didn’t, in large part to the series being funded by Hostess.
Losing another series – especially over body issues – struck a nerve with the girls. The three spoke to me passionately over their renewed focus and determination thanks to discovering steroids and crystal meth amphetamine. Blossom boasted, “We’d sometimes work out for a couple of days, non stop. Thank God for 24-Hour Fitness.” I noticed then that their eyes were literally the size of dinner plates. Buttercup admitted their obsession with attaining perfect bodies became warped, though it did lead to multiple medals in the IFBB Woman’s World Body Building Championship.
But as in most celebrity drug stories, for every HIGH there’s a crashing low. The Power Puff Girls became emotional while describing their increasing dependence on drugs, but what really got the waterworks flowing was when Bubbles recalled their fighting one another in a alley over what they thought was drugs, that actually turned out to be “hardened ABC gum.” Frankly, they made quite a scene and I took a bathroom break to get away from these psychos.
The rest of the interview was like filling in Messed-Up Celebrity Mad Libs. Desperate for cash, the girls succumbed to the persuasions of notorious cartoon adult-filmmaker, Pedro Al Pedobear. They starred in such “ink flicks” as “Muffy The Vampire Layer” and “Star Whores” and Tragic.
It’s just a hop, skip and a hump from there to prostitution. The Power Puff Girls didn’t admit turning to “the world’s oldest profession,” but they did try to pay for lunch by giving our waiter a lap dance. SMOSH picked up the tab, don’t worry. As we prepared to part ways, me picking up my car from the valet, them – arguing over a bus map, I realized I just couldn’t leave YOU – our fine readers on such a low note. So I pulled a few favors, and thanks to SMOSH being the well-connected industry media outlet it is – was able to land the girls a supporting role on an upcoming episode of an extremely popular series. I’m not at liberty to reveal which, but suffice it to say – let’s keep our fingers crossed that the Power Puff Girls knock this one out of the PARK.
What other iconic figures from your childhood would you like us to catch up on here at Smosh? Let us know in the comments below!
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