Where Do The Sparkles On Twilight Vampires Come From?

Daniel Dominguez

The Twilight vampires didn't always sparkle.

 

They used to look just like you and me. Incredibly hot, hot versions of you and me. That wore promise rings. So where do they get their sparkles, you ask? Well, we sent our crack journalists to find out, and the answers are below.

 

 

1. Donuts

When a vampire needs to sparkle ASAP and all else fails they head over to the local Dunken Donuts and rub sprinkle covered donuts all over their bodies. It doesn't look at good, but it's passable in a pinch, and they smell delicious.

 

2. Rave Girl's Faces

Rave girls usually sleep all day, and sleep hard, because they've been partying hard all night, so it's easy to sneak into their room and rub their faces all over yourself to get their glitter makeup on you.

 

3. Baby Tears

Baby tears sparkle better than any other substance on Earth. The only problem with getting your sparkles this way is Moms hate it when you run up and scare their baby to make it cry, and then pick it up and hold it above you so that its tears rain down and coat your entire body. It's off-putting to moms. No one knows why. But you know how moms are, they're crazy.

 

4. Angels Throwing Up

When angels get sick they throw up glitter, so Edward Cullen and his vampire brood are always on facebook looking at angel status updates to see if hey're sick, and then when they find a sick angel they fly over and stand under them while they throw up to get showered in precious glittering, heavenly upchuck.

 

5. The CIA

No one knows why, on January 13th every year, at exactly 4:35pm EST CIA agents all over the world cover vampires in sparkles. But they do. Conspiracy theorists often point out that the bullet that killed John F. Kennedy was the most sparkly bullet in human history.

 

6. Avian Influenza

A major side affect of Avian Influenza or H1N1 is sparkling. Humans should not intentionally give themselves Avian Influenza to sparkle more, but vampires can because they can't be killed so it's fine.

How else do vampires get their sparkles? Let us know in the comments!

 

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