Justin Bieber’s Saturday nights have gone from recording YouTube videos to playing with millions of fifth-grade girls’ hearts. The Usher protege has also proven to be much more than just well-conditioned hair and prepubescent vocal cords: he’s also a movie star. So he sings, he dances, and he’s in movies? He is just like Beyoncé, and I hated Dreamgirls (Mean Girls is far superior). Here are some things I would prefer to do than sit through two hours of Bieber.
Summer in Guantánamo Bay
I’ve always wanted to go on a Caribbean beach vacation. Guantánamo Bay seems like a worthwhile solution, especially if it gets me away from hearing sappy stories of little-kid pop stars. Also, waterboarding is like wake boarding, yeah?
Be rid of my senses
Hey, if all of my senses are just going to be tortured in that place they call a movie theater by mister golden hair, I’d rather have them all just removed. At least get rid of sound, that noise is fatal.
Sit at home poking my eyes and cutting my ears for two hours
If they’re going to be abused in the theater, why not just have them defiled from the comfort of my own sofa?
Be taken care of by Kathy Bates
Evil nurse/scary person in general Kathy Bates would be a terrific alternative to seeing the never say something movie. Sure, they both involve extraneous torture, but at least with Kathy Bates I’d get to lie in bed while my inalienable rights are abused.
Attend a Black Eyed Peas concert
If the Super Bowl halftime show was any sort of an indication, the Peas are at an all-time horrible low (since when did they have a new album come out in November?). This concert, however, would likely involve food venders.
Have Megan Fox’s thumbs
How in the world did these frightful fingers pass natural selection? I’d rather have these freaks of nature than go see that Bieber thing. Okay okay, I’m being being mean; the Bieber movie can’t be that bad.
Watch a Glee marathon
Not only do they kill real songs, but the acting is worse than Disney Channel. Nevertheless, this would also involve the option of muting and does not involve little girls’ hormones escaping via their vocal cords.
Sacrifice sanity
That documentary-ish thing will take it away anyway, so I’d rather just get over with it. That is, if they can find any left.
Be the guy who’s fired because of that Super Bowl Coke commercial
Probably the worst ad of the Super Bowl, that extremely confusing, weirdly animated monster mash must’ve been the end of somebody’s career at some ad agency. I’d rather get fired from my job than be injected with the Bieber fever.
Be trapped in Cairo
Where there’s chaos, there’s excitement. Where there’s a Bieber movie, there’s headache. Also, they probably don’t even allow that movie in Egypt. Yay despots!
Why would you never see Never Say Never? What horrible things would you rather do than see the Bieber movie? Tell us in the comments below!
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