Dear Members Of The Academy,
I am a serial killer who represents the SKU (Serial Killer's Union) and I am writing to the Academy to express our continued displeasure at being underrepresented each year at the Academy Awards. Particularly this year, when you had an exceptional film, "Saw 3D," that could have easily been nominated to show that Hollywood recognizes the value of our underserved community.
It's bad enough that some restaurants have seperate bathrooms for serial killers and non-serial killers... Do you have any idea the stigma that we carry knowing that some people don't even want to wash their hands in the same place we wash our hands just because we happen to like wearing pig masks and waiting outside Walgreens at three in the morning to capture victims?
It's unfair, and if that weren't enough, generally in the serial killer bathrooms the urinals are much smaller. Separate but equal my serial killer butt! That would be frustrating enough, but it's doubly frustrating considered we are usually wearing leather gloves from having to bury bodies and it's very hard to aim a urine stream at a regular urinal when you are wearing leather gloves, let alone a very small urinal.
But that's nothing compared to getting all excited about the latest movie coming out about serial killers, gathering your serial killer wife and children to go to the theater, and you get there and there's Stanley Tucci wearing cut off jean shorts and a comb over.
We're serial killers, not nerds, Hollywood!
"Saw 3D" is one of the first films to portray serial killers in a positive light. Showing us to be clever, thoughtful people just like anybody else, the only difference being that we have an insatiable need to force people to solve puzzles or be gruesomely executed. Sure, that kind of thing isn't for everybody, I mean, hey, I don't care for freckles, but I'm not going to stop being someone's friend just because they have freckles. Judgemental, much?
Then they announce the academy award nominations and "Saw 3D" is nowhere on the list, passed over for movies like "The Fighter," "True Grit," and "Toy Story 3."
All movies that I might add don't feature even a single serial killer actor, not even as an extra. Well I can tell you right now that the Academy would certainly be hearing from our lawyers, if we hadn't serial killed all of our lawyers.
Admittedly, that was kind of our bad.
What other ways are serial killers mistreated in our society? Let us know in the comments!
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