Look on the back of any pair of skinny jeans, below the designer label, and you'll find another tag that says: "Warning: May cause severe death, but do not worry, for death is only the beginning."
I didn't pay much attention to those tags when I first started buying skinny jeans, I just went ahead and bought them, because I wanted women to be attracted to me, and it has been meticulously documented that women are most attracted to men when they know the exact size and shape of their thighs.
A few pairs of skinny jeans in I was riding high. I had tons of women in my life, many of them totally aware of it, my skinny jeans had served me well. They got me the previously mentioned women:
They got me out of a speeding ticket. They even got me a job. I distinctly remember the employer saying, "Congratulations Dan, I wasn't going to hire you because you have a very bad resume. In fact, your resume is the first resume I have ever seen where someone listed being in jail as part of their employment history. But, man, seeing you in those jeans I just knew we had to have you working here."
Then I bought my last pair of skinny jeans. I became a little nervous when I brought them to the counter and the person at the counter said, "Are you sure you want to buy skinny jeans? I've heard they often cause severe death. But I've also heard you shouldn't worry, because death is only the beginning." But I didn't pay the guy any heed, and I left the store.
A short while later I put the skinny jeans on. I was about to walk into the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror with them on when I immediately died. Then, a few seconds later, I woke up. But something about me felt different, so I looked in the mirror and this is what I saw:
As it turns out, the skinny jeans not only looked great, but they turned me into The Ghost Rider, a motorcycle riding ghost who is cursed to drive around the city at night wreaking vengeance on criminals by staring deep into their eyes and showing them their worst sins. At first I was pretty pissed about it, because I had to change to the day shift at the restaurant where I work so I could go out at night use my penance stare on criminals, and people tip way less during the day.
But then I found out that in California, if you get turned into the Ghost Rider you get 25% off at all participating Barnes & Nobles. Which is a pretty sick discount, and I'm a real reader. Of course, it's tough to find time to read now cuz I'm working at the restaurant during the day and exacting justice with my soul-destroying gaze at night, but what are you gonna do, you know?
Has wearing skinny jeans ever turned you into a ghost that was hell bent on showing criminals the error of their ways? Let us know in the comments!
View Unbelieve Things Carried On Motorcycles! If You Don't You Only Have You To Blame!
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