You remember Jesse James, right? The tattooed asshat who cheated on his wife - and America’s Sweetheart - Sandra Bullock with an even more tattooed home wrecker (and occasional Nazi fetishist) named "Bombshell" McGee? Right. That guy. Well now he’s engaged to tattoo artist and "LA Ink" star Kat Von D. If you happen to snag an invite to the wedding you might be wondering what to get this dynamic duo. Well, here are a few ideas to get you started.
Gift Certificate For Tattoo Removal
This is clearly a couple that enjoys tattoos and making poor to middling life choices. Sooner or later, these proclivities are going to collide and one or both them is going to end up with a genuinely terrible tattoo in a genuinely terrible place. A few zaps with a laser, and it’s like those fifteen shots of Cuervo at that Mars Volta after party never even happened.
Subscription To US Weekly
Jesse and Kat are busy people. They’ve got TV shows, book tours, personal appearances, etc. They’re won’t be spending every waking minute together, but they will have paparazzi on their tails 24/7/365. What better way to keep tabs on what/who your spouse is doing than a subscription to the magazine that will publish blurry, questionably edited photos of them on a weekly basis?
Lots and Lots Of Purell
Jesse James and Kat Von D are dirty people. I don’t mean that in a judgy/moral way. It’s just that, as a tattoo artist, she works around blood all day, and, as a builder of custom cars and motorcycles, he’s always got grease on his hands. That’s all I meant. I certainly did not mean to besmirch the character of these two upstanding small business owners.
Home Hepatitis Tests
Again, not judging, but it is a fact that Jesse’s wife before Sandra Bullock, he was porn star Janine Marie Lindemulder, and, of course, we all know about his fling with “tattoo model” Bombshell McGee. Kat Von D, meanwhile, has dated dudes like Steve-O from Jackass and Nikki Sixx from Motley Crue; men whose bodies have been declared Superfund Toxic Waste Sites by the EPA. Better safe than sorry. That’s all I’m saying.
Pigs for Pets and Tattooing
Everyone knows that pigs make excellent pets. They’re cute, friendly, and hella smart, but, best of all, they have acres of pink, bald skin, ripe and waiting for a good inking. What lucky, artistic couple wouldn’t be thrilled to receive a set of stalwart companions/living canvases as they begin their new life together?
Snuggies
I don’t care how hardcore you are. Everyone needs to get comfy on the couch and chill every once in a while. Maybe you can find one in a nice leopard print so Jesse and Kat can keep it real.
Box Set of Worst Sandra Bullock Movies
The happy couple is going to need something to watch while they’re cocooned on the couch in their brand new sleeved blankets. Why not a triple feature of some of Jesse’s ex’s biggest box office stinkers? Sure, she’s America’s sweetheart and everyone in the world - even previously uncontacted tribes in the Amazon jungle – took her side against him when the marriage went south, but I bet he’d appreciate knowing that even a beloved Oscar winner can make choices almost as bad as his. Try a three-pack DVD set of All About Steve, Two if By Sea, and Speed 2: Cruise Control, and see if Jesse doesn’t feel a little bit better about how he handled the whole situation.
Money
When in doubt, just give money, especially if you don’t know the couple that well. You don’t need to spend too much, just figure out about what you would have spent on a gift and give that. Like maybe a hundred bucks or something. Make sure you put it on one of those fancy looking wedding money envelopes. The envelope is key because it makes the gift look classy and thoughtful instead of lazy and desperate.
What other things would you suggest for Jesse James and Kat Von D as a wedding gift? Leave your suggestions in the comments below.
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