Oh Miley! The gravy train named Hannah Montana has ended. The world is sick of your antics. And you’ve completely blown it with Disney, the only company that really seems to hire the bland and talentless wares you have to offer. Theoretically, you have enough money to live off of forever. But with your brains you’ll probably be joining the list of celebrities who somehow manage to blow through their millions and inexplicably end up bankrupt one day. Here are some alternate careers for you to consider when that day comes. Because singing and acting are not your calling, sweetie… these things, however, just might be.
Fast Food Worker
You’re a known junk food junkie and you wouldn’t even need to get your GED…score!
Come to think of it…if her dad had never made that deal with the devil, working behind the counter of an Arby’s is the closest she probably nver would’ve come to being in the public eye. And maybe appearing in one those online ‘People of Walmart’ pictures. Damn you Satan!
Open A Legal Medical Marijuana Clinic
Instead of looking like an unmotivated stoner, look like a politically motivated stoner! It’s a guaranteed business winner in 15 states and the District of Columbia. People will always be clamoring for legally obtained medical (ahem) marijuana. Hannah Montana: The Geriatric Years. Not so much.
Internet Cam Girl
You already know there’s a demand for inappropriate pictures of you, remember when those ones you ‘innocently’ took got ‘accidentally’ leaked? I hate when that happens! And don’t worry about your terrible acting skills, this is a field where being convincing is completely irrelevant compared to what you’re not wearing.
Mentor To Troubled Youth
Hey you once mentored contestants on American Idol about singing, why not something else you know nothing about? I’m sure the kids would relate to your inspiring story…the daughter of a famous singing star who overcame the colossal odds of breaking into show biz with no talent— just her dreams and a rolodex full of powerful contacts! Or maybe they’d just pop a cap in your ass.
To Catch A Predator Decoy
You’re already a master of disguise—what with Hannah Montana and your killer Bieber impression. You’d be perfect posing as jailbait on NBC’s To Catch A Predator. The least you could do is help catch all those pervy dudes that you’ve been riling up all these years!
Exotic Dancer
You caused a stir back in 2009, when you worked the pole at the Teen Choice Awards, so taking it pro would be an easy next step. Plus you can just go back to your birth name Destiny Hope, perfect stripper name!
Star In A Reality Show With Your Mom And Bret Michaels
This show would definitely bring in the bucks and better yet—it would totally piss off your dad! I know I would tune in every week to watch a hybrid of Celebrity Rehab, Cheaters and Teen Mom. Hey, if reality TV is good enough for Sarah Palin…well yeah, that’s not really saying much.
Trophy Wife
You would definitely have your pick of aging billionaires. Just be careful because sometimes they live way longer than you think and they can be surprisingly frisky for their advanced age. Anyone who says this isn’t a career is sadly mistaken. There isn’t a harder job in the world than making out with someone after you’ve changed their adult diaper.
Can you think of any career advice for Miley? Let us know in the comments!
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