It seems even fake celebrities can commit crimes without so much as a slap on the wrist. And by fake celebrity, I don’t mean Paris Hilton. Here’s my list of the 10 most wanted fictional characters. Get on it, John Walsh!
1. Pedobear
If he hasn’t done it yet…it’s only a matter of time before he does. If only we had the pre-cogs from the movie Minority Report and no Constitution, then we could arrest him for all of his inevitable future crimes. Because let’s face it, Pedobear in this child-filled world is like a kid in a candy store…wait maybe we should jail candy too, Pedobear’s most loyal accomplice.
2. Cruella de Vil
This Psycho B**tch from hell is like the Michael Vick of cartoons. And just like people seem to go easy on Vick so they can watch him play with that pigskin, it seems Cruella’s always back for every sequel and remake to make a play for that dog skin. Ewww. She needs to be locked up in a human-sized dog crate for good. Here’s hoping that her cellmate is a member of PETA.
3. Stewie
What crime hasn’t this terrible tot committed? He needs to be tried as an adult and sentenced to life without the possibility of a playdate. There is only one thing stopping Osama Bin Baby from already having wreaked complete havoc on the world… he still needs his mommy to clean his poopy diaper. And ruthless dictators do not need someone to wipe their butt, although occasionally they do punish their enemies that way.
4. Sweet Dee From “Always Sunny In Philadelphia”
Don’t let this sweet looking blonde fool you. She’s a racist cannibal who gets ‘roid rage and beats up homeless people, basically Mel Gibson, Hannibal Lecter, and a frat boy rolled into one. She’s committed many crimes, but bum-rushing a hobo is never acceptable, even if he is playing pocket pool with his um…loose change.
5. The Hamburgler
Why have the police not captured the Menace of Milk Shakes… this felonious Filet ‘O Fish Fiend? Here’s a hint po-po… he’s always dressed like an old school burglar. Mayor McCheese needs to put down that Big Mac and take a bite out of crime!
6. Shaggy
So a cop will notice that I don’t have my seat belt on and pull me over, but Shaggy can drive around in a psychedelic van with clouds of marijuana blowing out the tailpipe and not be charged with so much as a broken tail light? It’s no mystery that inside that van is the mother of all possession charges! Besides, you just know Shaggy likes to bogart the pipe and the Scooby snacks! And if I ruled the world, that alone would be a capital offense.
7. Santa Claus
Home invader is the most obvious of his crimes, but he also must be breaking dozen of labor laws. And come to think of it, what exactly does making children ‘promise to be good’ mean?? This guy is starting to make Pedobear look as innocent as a priest…oh wait…never mind.
8. Smurfette
Smurfette is to Gargamel what the Manson girls were to Charlie. Under Gargamel’s spell, she nearly drowned the whole village after she wooed Vanity Smurf into unleashing the dam. Almost-genocide is a serious charge… come to think of it she’s almost Hitler’s ideal, only blonde haired and blue, instead of blue-eyed. I don’t care if she was brain-washed, this vixen needs to fry!
9. Homer Simpson
I almost called CPS on my mom when she hit me with a spatula…Homer practically strangles Bart to death on a regular basis! The best part will be seeing Marge defend him on national television, as Nancy Grace looks on with a face that looks like she’s smelling an egg fart.
10. Nut Gobbler From “South Park”
Statutory rape of a handi-capable child? They call it jailbait for a reason! The only good thing to come out of this crime was that it was at the Ho-tel that night, where Jimmy first said the immortal words “Do you like fish sticks in your mouth?” And imma let you finish but… fish sticks is one of the greatest jokes of all time! Am I right, Kanye?
What other fictional characters should be sent to the big house? Let us know in the comments!
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