Martians have to go to school just like everybody else. And, just like everybody else, when they become teenagers they start to go through changes they don't understand that their parents sure as heck don't want to talk about. So it's up to their Martian schools to teach them about what's happening to their bodies. But their bodies are very different than ours. Here are just some of things they learn.
Boy Martians Need To Have Their Eye Closed Until They Learn To Control Their Eye Lasers
When Martian boys reach physical maturity they develop powerful eye lasers capable of melting through solid steel that when they first start happening, go off all the time. They'll be in the middle of talking to a girl and their eye lasers will start firing for no reason, vaporizing her instantly.
Always Kiss With Your Left Mouth
Kissing with left mouths is nice, but be careful not to kiss with your right mouth, as that is where waste is expelled.
When A Male And A Female Love Each Other Very Much A Flying Gnorg Brings Them A Baby
On Mars, this isn't just a cute lie parent Martians tell their children. This is actually where baby Martians come from.
It's Better To Wait Until You Are Married
On Mars this is not an opinion, but a fact. Marriage on Mars is the ceremony in which the Female sheds the outer of layer of her skin, which is coated with a thin layer of extraordinarily lethal poison.
Guys, Don't Get Tricked By Carnivorous MeerkTar Plants
Male Martians will start to notice they feel an attraction towards cute Female martians. This is totally normal, and there's no reason to be ashamed. Just don't get tricked by MeerkTar Plants, which are plants that have evolved to look like cute teenage female martians, but are actually ravenous meat eating plants. They look almost exactly like teenage female Martian cheerleaders, so the only way you can tell the difference is that MeerkTar plants are incredibly out of touch with pop culture, so if you ask them about bands they only know about bands that were popular like ten years ago.
Girls, Go Out With The Wrong Boy And He'll Break Your Heart
Literally. There is a species of Martian that feeds exclusively on Martian heart meat. Do not go out with them. They will try to eat your heart.
What are some other Martian sex ed tips? Let us know in the comments!
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