Parents talk to their kids about how they're doing in school, who they should and shouldn't be hanging out with, why their music is too loud, but when the kids are gone they talk about all sorts of things they never talk about with their kids in the room. Here are some of the most common conversations parents have by themselves.
1. Is Our Son/ Daughter On "The Drugs"
Parents are always worried their children are somewhere behind a supermarket smoking weed out of a dirty boot. They start to be afraid of it immediately at birth. Assuming their infant has found a way to mix opium droplets into his Gerber baby formula, and only gets worse with time. Which is why it's important at the top of every diary page (because your parents will try to read your diary), "Still not taking drugs. Man, I hate drugs, almost as much as I love parents, who are great. Not like drugs, which are not great."
2. Dave Matthews Band
Parents love the Dave Matthews Band. Dave's bland, sappy lyrics appeal to parents because having children makes you physically incapable of enjoying any songs that aren't about eating at a nice restaurant or the relief you feel when you pay your taxes on time.
3. The Good Old Days
Parents are huge on lounging around in recliners, pipe in hand, talking about the Good Old Days. "Remember when gas was only two dollars? Remember the first war in Iraq? That was a much better Iraq war than this one. Remember when Bald Eagles were so prolific that they were employed by the U.S. postal service to bring us our mail? They were quick to anger, but they always brought the mail right on schedule."
4. That Racket Outside
Parents always seem to be able to hear some kind of racket going on outside. They are never sure exactly what the racket is, postulating that someone is setting off fireworks outside, or that a bunch of lousy skateboarding teens are stirring up trouble again; but they can't put their finger on it. All they know is they don't like it.
5. Monk
Parents are huge on the hit USA TV show "Monk". Most children and teenagers have no idea what it's about, but parents spend around 40% of their time casually conversing on what made Monk uncomfortable this week. Now that "Monk" is over, parents spend the time they used to spend talking about "Monk" sitting in silence with the lights off facing away from each other, a single tear rolling down their cheek, going over and over in their heads the many modest adventures "Monk" used to have.
6. How Great It Is Not To Have The Kids Around
The second you leave for school parents watch out the window until you are gone. Then, when the last child has left for school in the city, the entire town full of parents meets up at an abandoned warehouse and has an all-parents rave. The music never gets too loud because parents hate loud music, and the lights don't flash too erratically because that gives parents a headache, no drugs or booze are taken because everyone has to be at work in an hour. It is the least interesting rave that has ever existed, and parents love it.
What else do your parents talk about/ do when you're not around? Let us know in the comments!
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