It recently came to my attention that Perez Hilton was coming out with his own children’s book. Perez freakin' Hilton. Didn't he get famous by drawing genitals on celebrity photos he stole from the internet? Great role model. But he isn't the WORST famous person that could write a book for children. Here are a few that would be even less appropriate.
Paris Hilton
Derp the Herp sounds very Dr. Seuss. Until you realize the sequel would be V is for Valtrex. More like Dr. Loose. Better stick to whatever it is you do.
Rebecca Black
She seems like a natural for a series of educational children’s books—days of the week, months of the year, colors of the rainbow, there is nothing Rebecca can’t lay down in a repetitive way that will never ever leave your head. Ever. Unfortunately, no one wants their kids to read sentences like this: SRsly ppl? OMG PuRpLe liK the Beeeeestttt Color Evaaaaaa! LOL! Children should learn to write proper English before they mangle it as a teen.
Kristen Stewart
If you want your kids to be bored to death by Kristen Stewart just make them watch Twilight. No need to destroy more trees.
Christopher Walken
What, is Walken’s Headless Horseman character gonna teach kids the value of being polite? Page one: Tommy forgets to say please. Page two to five: The Headless Horseman spends four pages chopping Tommy’s head off with a dull-bladed hatchet. This just wouldn’t fly in a world where time-outs are considered a severe punishment.
Snooki
Snooki has already had a NY Times best seller, why not…wait, what? WTF? Snooki has a NY Times best seller?? What am I, living in opposite world now? What’s next? I’ll turn on my TV and see Maya Angelou getting it on with Gary Busey in a hot tub??? Okay…I’m down with that.
Katy Perry
Sorry, Katy! There still isn’t anyone who feels like a plastic bag. So even though in theory a series about the adventures of Petey the Plastic Bag sounds cute, in real life a plastic bag on the street probably ends up being a hobo’s toilet. Well, an elegant hobo’s toilet. Most of them just poo on the street.
Chris Brown
I hate to think of Chris on a book tour reading to children! Unlike most children’s book tours, it would be the author who’s having temper tantrums while his publicist yells at him to ‘use his words’!
Teen Mom-Amber Portwood
Right now I’m pretty sure no little girl dreams of growing up to be a teen mom high school drop out who is arrested for beating the crap out of her baby daddy. Until they read Amber’s book about a little girl who does just that and is rewarded with TV fame. Can we call CPS to keep this skank from endangering our young ones?
Ke$ha
If ABCs were DUIs and children needed to sing rhymes about diseases of the liver, then yes, Ke$ha would be the perfect person to write a kid’s book.
Fergie
Fergie could definitely cash in on the ‘pee in the bed’ craze—she’s probably the most famous celebrity pee-er around. But no one wants their kid reading the inspiring story of a girl who gets hammered, pisses her pants and then douses her pee stain with champagne to cover it up. Maybe the two Peas who aren’t Fergie and Will.i.am can start writing kids books. I’m sure the band will be fine without them.
Who are some other Celebs who shouldn’t write children’s book? What do you think they would write about if they did? Let us know in the comments!
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