It seems like everyone is trying to make a buck selling Royal Wedding souvenirs—everything from thimbles to tea towels. Is there anything they won’t plaster with Kate and Will’s faces? Nope! Even though I have no interest in this royal crap, I can see how there would be a market for tasteful royal collectibles. I can’t, however, see that there’s a market for these tasteless, cheap and crazy ones. Although they would make awesome gag gifts.
Pizza
This is how we do it in the USA! I think all Americans can get down with the marriage of Prince Cheese and Princess Pepperoni. Especially when it’s delivered to our lazy lard asses with a free order of Hershey’s Chocolate Royal Dunkers.
Knitting Kit
Only in knit world are Queen Elizabeth and Camilla more attractive than Kate. When Queen Elizabeth approved this product she was all like, “Now who’s fairest of them all, you commoner ho? I’m the Queen, fool!” Kate just got schooled in how to be a royal beeyotch.
Ashtray
This is perfect for the person whose dreams of marrying a prince never came true! They’ll love stubbing their butts out right on the happy couple’s face. It’ll make them feel better about the fact that their carriage is a mobile trailer and their prince is currently sitting in his underwear watching Jackass 3 while scratching his family jewels.
Refrigerator
This is for the extremely stupid, tacky and rich. Donald Trump has one on back order.
Teabags
Who wouldn’t want to teabag a royal? No takers? I like the graphics on these! Apparently Kate will do anything for money… catch those bills while you can girl! And Wills seems to enjoy having his teabag dunked…which explains the mystery of his ‘floating’ hat.
Toilet Seat
You’re the king of your castle and every king needs a throne! No more pissing in a pot for you! Now you can doth a regal air while wiping your royal hiney on a Royal Highness toilet seat!
Prince Harry Mug
Gingers have no souls and apparently this one also has no tolerance for their brother getting all the attention. How else do you explain his hi-jacking of this commemorative mug? Well… other than cheap Chinese manufacturing malfunction from someone who didn't know which prince was which… which is a likely but very boring explanation. Watch out Wills… Harry is totally gonna hit that royal piece!
Nails
You might be wondering how you could possibly make press-on fake nails classier than they already are… well, you can keep wondering. When I see these I just think of JWoww clawing off Sammi’s spray tan… classy-ly.
Barfbag
Although tasteless… this just might be the only souvenir you actually need. They should make it into a barf kit. Just add a royal wedding tea towel to wipe your mouth with afterwards and a royal wedding scrunchie to hold your hair back while you’re ‘throne up.’
So enjoy watching the royal wedding! And don’t forget to purchase a royal wedding cake to celebrate! I’m sure it tastes as good as it looks…
Condoms
Don’t free your willy! Keep it safely contained in these royally ribbed and lavishly lubed prophylactics! If you’re buying these condoms to impress girls I think we can all agree it’s best you don’t produce any heirs!
Are you considering buying a royal wedding commemorative souvenir? What’s your favorite crappy souvenir? Let’s discuss in the comments!
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