A recent study showed that for every person alive there are 16,248 people who annoy him or her on a daily basis. Whether you want to set some boundaries—or set a rather disturbing example—here are a few tips to help you deal with such unpleasant individuals.
1. Avoid all eye contact
Whenever the annoying person shows up simply cover your eyes with both hands, count to ten and then open, muttering "Oh sh*t" if you can still see them. Repeat until they have either gotten the point or your mind has somehow made them disappear for good.
2. Carry a Super Soaker at all times
While walking with a plastic bazooka strapped to your back in the name of petty grievances may seem excessive or downright psychotic, such concerns are instantly allayed once you realize you can squirt upwards of ten full bottles of Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup at your target without having to stop for refill or remorse.
3. Hug them, long and hard
Should the person go off on yet another seemingly endless monologue, grab them with both hands, press them against your chest and whisper into their ear, “Never let go. You hear me? Never, ever let go.” Continue until their squirming turns into violent flailing.
4. Offer noncommittal responses
Nothing will tell an annoying person that you have no interest in their comments more than such detached replies as "Hmm," "Yeah," "Sure," "That so?" "So many emails to read," "Off to lunch," "Hey, Mom, it’s me. Just thought I’d call" and "Closing my door now."
5. Throw them off course
Maintain an erratic sleep schedule so they won’t know when to call or visit. Hire countless look-alikes to appear in different parts of town at the same time. Fake your own death—and resurrection—repeatedly. Anything to not have to say, “Hi” and give a half-hearted wave.
6. Be a less than hospitable host
Should they show up for one of their long chats, decline them use of the empty guest chair, stating "Sometimes I like to pretend I’m interviewing a ghost." If they remark that they don’t mind standing, reply, "Ahem, can’t you see that I’m in the middle of an interview?"
7. Imitate
Whenever the person speaks, say the exact same thing at the exact same time, whether they’re asking you an idiotic question, having dinner with their family, renewing their vows or simply screaming over and over again for you to “Stop it! Stop it! For the love of God just stop it!”
8. Leave
Should the offending party show up, just walk out your door, saying you’re late for a meeting. If they follow, quicken your pace. If they try to keep up, make a run for the stairs. If they pursue you to the roof, jump to the next building. Continue until they’ve given up or one of you is in free-fall.
So how would you handle an annoying person (keeping in mind that everything you write here can later be used against you in a court of law)?
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