What’s all this with the U.S. government not having enough money? Did it seriously almost shut down last week? I would think, when it comes to rationing funds, the government’s financial people would have a little more sense than I do, but it seems they’re stuck staring down the window of an Anthropologie sale. If the government is looking for ways to raise funds... they really should do their homework. There are a lot of things that should be taxed that aren't. Here are but a few!
Rebecca Black Tax
If you make money off not being talented, you have to give it back. Akin to the pre-existing tax on lottery winnings, as today’s algorithm for assignation of “celebrity” status yields equally as arbitrary results. Money should be allocated toward federal arts education programs.
*Effective in the year 2011, the cast of Jersey Shore will be granted their own Tax Bracket.
The Mid-Convo Text Tax
If you stop in-person conversations to send texts to people who are not there in front of you and are not in labor... with a baby... that is somehow related to you... you need to pay the monetary equivalent of the awkward polite look-away incumbent on the present person (approx. $50 per text).
Coachella Tax
A luxury tax on the lucky elite who get to go to Coachella this year. Sliding scale based on number of days attending, number of people to whom you brag, number of photos you post, and number of people whom you hook up with over the course of the weekend. Money allocated toward Planned Parenthood.
Anti-Left Turn Credit
If you elect not to make left turns from busy streets through green lights that don’t have an arrow or designated turn lane, you should get to deduct the gas you spent in accommodation thereof. If this credit does not apply to you, see Section 34a, the Self-Centered-D*ck Adjustment.
Charlie Sheen’s Live Show Tax
If you paid to see Charlie Sheen’s live show, you clearly have enough disposable income to help fix the budget crisis. Pay up!
Schedule F(v): Owning a Farmville
If you own a Farmville farm, you need to pay actual taxes on it as though it were a real piece of land (minus the farm subsidies). Not so fun anymore, huh? Maybe you should stop pretending to be a farmer. When did that become not-weird?
Over-Sharing Tax
1. Do you use Twitter/Facebook/Four Square/Google Buzz? If yes, see line 2.
2. Do you use these tools to promote your business? If yes, see line 3. If no, see line 4.
3. You suck. Pay the equivalent of reimbursing everyone for his or her data plan.
4. What percentage of your tweets are related to frustration with friends, significant others, how far you ran today, or cute things your pet did? ______
→ If over .02%, pay the equivalent of reimbursing everyone for their data plans + the cost of their movie ticket to The Social Network.
The TurboTax Tax
If you intentionally misled people into thinking they were buying the “Basic” package, and then, after hours worth of data input and language that tricks them into thinking you’re their best friend, sprang the “You’ve been working in ‘Deluxe Mode’ this entire time” thing on them, incurring fees totaling $70 more than they anticipated, you should really give that back. You were in this together, fighting The Man. But NO, you’re just like all the rest. You just want to hook up, keep it casual, no commitment, and then bam – someone gets hurt. I want my five hours back.
Would you be in danger of an audit from not paying these taxes? What other taxes would you like to see?
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