I think we can all understand zero tolerance when it comes to things like bullying, drugs and pants hanging off your ass… some things do not belong in the sacred halls of education. Especially butt cracks. But recently a principal in the UK upped the ante by established a zero tolerance policy against mismatched socks… what? Although it might sound silly at first, I kind of like the idea of using ‘zero tolerance’ to rid schools of whatever pet peeves one might have. Here’s a list of a few things I’d like to see banned forever!
Oral Reports On Twilight
Must I sit through a presentation that tries to elevate Twilight into the pantheon of great literature? I do not agree with your concept that Twilight is a modern day undead Romeo and Juliet… only sparklier. I think Twilight is a ten pound pile of sparkly dog doo. You fail at life and book reports.
Bieber Apparel
A lot of schools ban gang apparel and is there a scarier gang than Beliebers?? They’re kind of like the Crips only instead of scaring you with threats of violence, they scare you by making you threaten violence. The ‘I wasn’t punching the girl sir, I was punching the t-shirt’ excuse does not stop you from getting suspended.
Rich White D-bag Guy
I realize banning this fool would probably be impossible, but a girl can dream, can’t she? The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that one day he will be arrested for propositioning an undercover cop in a skanky public restroom. In a perfect world, Nelson from The Simpsons will be there to say “HA! HA!”
Bragging About Your Awesome Vacation
While you spent spring break helping your mom organize the garage, these people are coming back from Hawaii or Bali tanner than two guidos smooshing. They’ve got lots of amazing stories to rub in your face, including one about massaging cocoa butter on some hot honey at a nude beach. Just remember the hot honey was actually his grandma who needed him to rub cocoa butter on her cracked and yellowed fungus toes. The nude beach part is horribly true.
Goth Girl
We get it! You’re unique. You’re a dark and moody snowflake. Just like every other pierced, black-clothed, whack-haired, Evanescence-loving, emo chump. Sorry, but I have zero-tolerance for poetry about pretending to cut yourself.
Tuna Sandwiches
You know what’s a very unpleasant smell? The smoldering tuna sandwich you’ve had sitting in your bag all day. Also… it sounds bad when you complain later in the day that your purse smells like tuna. Like really, really bad.
Getting A Health Class Waiver
If everybody else has to sit through health class and the hundred and one tired jokes that the rich white d-bag guy makes about masturbating, then so do you!
Glee Clubs
Real high school glee clubs make the one on Glee look like the Hell’s Angels. The popularity of Glee has also given these dorks a false sense of security, but haters still gonna hate! And Bully’s still gonna give beat downs to dudes who wear choir suspenders and bowties. Heck, I don’t consider myself a violent person but hearing these wankers sing a chorale version of a Metallica song even makes me wanna stab a pillow. It’s called performing arts school…look into it. You can sing in the hallways all you want there.
What are some zero tolerance policies you’d like to see? Let us know in the comments!
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