School's getting out, and that's exciting! It's nothing but Mountain Dew and cartwheels from now on, right? Not if your parents have anything to say about it. They fully expect you to find a summer job so you can pay for your own Mountain Dew and cartwheels. But if you keep setting up and blowing job interviews, they'll always think you're close to snagging a summer gig. Here are some foolproof ways to make sure you absolutely, one hundred percent WILL NOT get that summer job.
1. Spill Coffee On The Interviewer
It sounds easy enough to knock over a cup of coffee and scald the person potentially hiring you. But why leave it up to chance? I say you bring a super-soaker filled with coffee to make sure you don't miss.
2. Play PSP Throughout The Interview
Playing PSP during the interview is the perfect way to show how little you care about their time. And since no one plays PSP anymore, there's no danger of the HR rep taking out their system for some multiplayer.
3. Run Into The Room Pretending To Be An Airplane
A lot of businesses look down on you running into their office making airplane noises with your arms outstretched. If for some reason they're okay with this, then congratulations! You've found a summer job you'll want to take!
4. Don't Share Your Dove Brand Chocolate Bar
"But Dove brand chocolate bars come in sections. You could break me off one piece--" And then you can't hear him anymore because you've entered into the chocolate-induced euphoria provided by Dove brand chocolate bars.
5. Remind Your Interviewer How Much Stronger Your Dad Is Than His Dad
There is nothing HR reps take worse than hearing that their dads aren't as strong as other people's dads. This will take some preparation, but there is no way you get that job if you have an answer ready for every possibility.
"Well, my father is a former world welterweight boxing champion of the world."
"Yeah, my dad doesn't need to fight to get his point across. He's just stronger than that, you know?"
6. Tell Them You Hate Work
It's hard enough to motivate people who actually WANT to work, so if you walk in the door already hating on the job, there's no way they can hire you. BUT if they do, you have once again found a summer job that you should probably take.
7. Do A Spit Take After Every Question
"Would you consider yourself a team player?"
"PFFFFFT. Yes I would."
"What would you bring to this company?"
"PFFFFFT. My strong work ethic."
"Are you consistently surprised by my questions?"
"PFFFFFT. No, why do you ask?"
8. Eat An Entire Subway Sandwich Over Your Interviewer's Desk
This is a fail-safe way to never be hired. Subway sandwiches get lettuce EVERYWHERE, so if for some reason the HR rep forgets how badly the interview went and goes to e-mail you, she'll find some lettuce stuck behind the "P" key on her keyboard and remember that you were the d-bag who ate the sandwich on her desk.
9. Suggest Superman Could Beat Batman In A Fight
Eventually, your interviewer will say "So, do you have any questions for me?" This is your opportunity to ask who they think would win in a fight, Batman or Superman. Wait for them to answer, and then expect them to ask you who you think would win. If you answer Superman, you are considered unhirable. This is HR 101. You never hire anyone who thinks Superman could beat Batman, as Batman is prepared for every contingency and it shows a real lack of critical thinking to assume that that doesn't include carrying around a piece of Kryptonite.
10. End Awkwardly
"Well Ryan, thanks so much for coming in! I have to run it by a few higher-ups, but I think you would be a great fit for this company!"
"Why thank you! And thanks for taking the time today John. I love you."
And then you both stare silently at each other until the end of time.
What are some other ways to guarantee that you DON'T get that summer job? Let us know in the comments!
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