Dude, have you guys seen A Time to Kill!? What!? Crazy! "Imagine she’s white!?" Dude! Imagine this movie is AWESOME! Matthew McConaughey you play those bongos shirtless! You earned it!
Although it got me thinking, there are a lot of terrible lawyers in movies. Many of them don’t even deserve to be lawyers.
10. Vinny - My Cousin Vinny
Joe Pesci was a TERRIBLE lawyer in this movie. Did you ever think that maybe bringing in a car specialist sooner would have saved your nephew’s life a lot faster? And how hard is it to find a nice, conservative suit you walking stereotype!? He was one comically oversized bowl of spaghetti away from setting Italian Amurrcans back 50000 years.
9. Fletcher Reede - Liar Liar
Everybody knows a lawyer lies. So it makes perfect sense that if a lawyer can’t lie in court he’ll lose the case, right? Wrong. GOOD lawyers frame the truth, contextualize things. All Jim Carrey did was grab his mouth, wreck his car, and admit to lying. He could have easily won any case by simply planning out exactly what to say ahead of time to make sure it technically wasn’t a lie. Alrighty then? Alrighty then.
8. Rudy Baylor - The Rainmaker
Matt Damon and Danny DeVito Vs. an insurance company. The problem is Matt Damon's character doesn’t really win the case. He constantly messes up the rules and is only allowed to admit last minute evidence because Judge Danny Glover is a liberal hippie civil rights activist. Plus the insurance company goes bankrupt at the end so all the money Damon won never gets dished out to his client. They should have settled out of court the same way Hollywood settled on such a half-assed script.
7. Marylin Delpy - The Social Network
Why is she in this movie? I’m pretty sure if you’re a recent law school grad who gets to sit in on one of the most important cases of our time your job ISN’T to call your client an a**hole. Although I could be wrong, maybe she DID do everything right. We’ll never know, there’s no evidence other than some hearsay. If I could have been a better lawyer, then I would have been the better lawyer.
6. The Prosecutor - 12 Angry Men
You convince 11 people this guy is guilty. 11! And then your entire argument is overturned by some hippie conspiracy theorist who thinks it’s “not cool to send people to jail man…” Whenever I watch that movie (which is all the time duh) I like to pretend that that’s exactly how the OJ verdict went down.
5. Billy Flynn - Chicago
Everybody in this movie is a terrible person. And Renee Zellwegger shouldn’t be allowed near audible music. But Richard Gere is clearly the stand out here. Now, I’m sure, but I don’t think that as a lawyer you’re supposed to fabricate false evidence to ensure that the client you are defending stays in jail. Although it is fitting considering Richard Gere is the ambulance chaser of actors.
4. DA Joyce Rafferty - Legally Blonde
This District Attorney really has NO idea that any of the 55 pieces of dirt Elle Woods was able to dig up even existed? Be more terrible at your job lady! It’s not like Reese Witherspoon is asking any hardball questions here. “Hey that gay guy seems gay, hey you can’t wash your hair after a perm, I like pink!” This movie officially ruined my faith in the legal system.
3. Lt. Daniel Kaffee - A Few Good Men
Okay, so Tom Cruse is dead in the water in this case until out of NOWHERE the one man who has evidence that will prove his clients innocent mysteriously turns up in Cruse’s car. Case closed, right? Nope! Tom Cruse has such terrible people skills in this movie that he pressures his witness to the point of suicide. Then luckily in a last ditch effort he yells really, really loudly and Jack Nicholson confesses. YAY! Apparently he took his arguing tactics from my ex-girlfriends. HEYOH!
2. Robert Philip - Enchanted
McDreamy plays a divorced divorce lawyer who falls in love with a princess and marries her with out a prenup. Fine. Except that at no point in this movie does he ever talk, think, or act like an attorney. And I’m pretty sure bonding in central park isn’t enough to sustain a long-term relationship. She’s a PRINCESS, he’s a divorce lawyer who will be bald and fat in three years. She will leave him, take half, and live happily ever after.
1. Bryan Bedford - Miracle on 34th Street
Even Macy’s saw the red flags in this movie, which is why Santa works at that world famous Coles. Fine. But after Dr. Hammond gets arrested for inventing dinosaurs and pretending to be Santa it is determined that the only way he can be acquitted is if Dylan McDermott can prove that he is, in fact, Santa... even though he knows that there is no such thing as Santa. You FAIL as a lawyer!
What other movie lawyers should be disbarred? Call them out in the comments below!
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