Most superheroes have powers that can actually do things. Spiderman has spider strength and can stick to crap. Wonder Woman has hot outfits and a lasso that's all tough. Wolverine has INVINCIBLE BONES AND CLAWS. But some superheroes are so useless you might as well call the fire department instead of them. These are some of the worst offenders.
Hindsight Lad
Hindsight Lad's only power was the ability to research things and come up with conclusions. So he has the exact same abilities as any college student. Hindsight Lad is the only superhero I can think of that would lose in a fight against pretty much anybody he met on the bus.
The Red Bee
The Red Bee had no powers and fought crime with a trained bumble bee named Michael that lived in his belt buckle. Jesus.... what the hell, comics?
Ant-Man
Ant-Man can shrink himself down and control insects. So if you need someone to annoy your friend by having a bunch of ants show up in his kitchen, Ant-man is the hero for you. "Oh no! They sent Ant-man! Now we'll be mildly annoyed while we continue successfully robbing this bank!"
Matter Eater Lad
I think we can agree by now that if your super name has "Lad" in it, you are probably a crappy superhero. Matter Eater Lad's power is the ability to eat anything. So while superheroes were busy punching and blowing up bad guys Matter Eater Lad was busy eating doors and desks and whatever other crap there was laying around. It should be noted that Matter Eater Lad's powers are basically identical to Takeru Kobayashi, the Japanese guy that wins all the hot dog eating contests.
Jubilee
Jubilation "Jubilee" Lee (yeah, that's her name), could make colorful balls and streamers come from her fingers. Basically she has the power of making your rave look more awesome.
Krypto the Super Dog
Is a dog with a cape. It's almost like for a while there the writers of Superman hated Superman. Krypto served no additional purpose and looked like an a-hole in that cape. Put a dog on your dog and tell me it doesn't piss you off just a little bit.
Hancock
Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's... no wait... he's falling... falling fast... does he have a half-empty bottle of Old Crow in his hand? OK he crash landed on my new car. Man, Hancock, what the hell dude. Hancock is a drunk superhero who starred in what could have been an awesome movie that got bogged down in such a contrived frustrating second act twist that made no sense where he was Egyptian and his hot girlfriend was the key to his powers, or took away his powers, or, just made no sense. Will Smith starred as Hancock which means that Hancock also thinks the things that happened in Battlefield Earth are real. Not a good sign.
Who are some other really lame superheroes? Let us know in the comments!
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