There are a lot of competitions it would be damn cool to win! Anything Olympic, beauty or talent related for starters. Things you work hard at achieving, or at least things you win for being born really hot. Any competition that brings you injury or shame should not be high on your list of life goals. Here are eight WTF competitions where winning is actually losing.
Pole Dancing Competition
No one wants their little girl to grow up and be the queen of scissor slides and jazz splits. If the USPDF (United States Pole Dancing Federation) gets its wish, working the pole will soon be recognized as a legitimate sport. This year’s champion said it was the greatest achievement of her life…besides her four out-of-wedlock babies with four different daddies, of course.
World Sauna Championships
This annual endurance contest is held in Finland. How do you win? Withstand temperatures of 230° F and be able to leave the sauna without the aid of a medical team. Past ‘winners’ have been hospitalized with convulsions and burns. In 2010 Vladimir Ladyzhensky would’ve won but he was disqualified after he needed to be dragged out….because he was so wimp-ily dying.
World Gurning Competition
These are basically competitions to see who can pull the ugliest face. This is one of the few times in life that your chances of winning are greatly improved if you’re toothless. It is also one of the few times in life that a championship title is not also a lady magnet.
Supermarket Clerk Championships
There’s nothing wrong with being a competent supermarket check-out clerk. But is it really something you want to excel at? When someone brags to you that they won the Heisman Trophy, ‘Oh yeah… well I can properly load a paper bag, so as not to cause handle rippage!’ is not a good ‘In your face!’ comeback.
The U.S. Air Guitar Championships
You know what’s impressive? The years it takes to become a master guitarist. Not so impressive? Taking the same amount of time to practice air guitar. You don’t see me bragging about my superior steering wheel air drumming skills do you? Wait.. is there an air drumming championship? Cause I can do a kickass version of Rush’s Tom Sawyer and I’ve never won anything—impressive or unimpressive.
World Stinging Nettle Eating Competition
Held in Dorset County, England, this is a competition to see who can pound the most stinging nettles. Let’s see, how can we make vegetables less appealing? Have them actually paralyze your mouth with their stingers. I think Mother Nature is telling us something here people. Winners usually sport a ‘green beard,’ which is slang for the green foaming drool that covers your mouth due to facial paralysis. Prizes include a few days of unloading sharp green poo.
Liars Festival
They should call this the Stupid Liars Competition. Any true lying champion would never reveal himself as a liar! Contestants include people who claim they never watch Glee but can’t sing Rihanna’s Umbrella without making it a mash-up with Singing in the Rain.
Redneck Games
Held in Georgia every year, events include bobbing for pigs’ feet, redneck horseshoes (toilet seat covers) and mud pit belly flops. I don’t know about you but I don’t like my sports heroes wrapped in a Confederate flag holding a torch made of Budweiser beer cans. A lot of these people would also do very well in the gurning competitions.
Do you have what it takes to ‘win’ one of these competitions? What’s the craziest competition you’ve ever heard of? Let us know in the comments!
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