Is your relationship on the rocks? On the ropes? On the rocks and on the ropes? Well, breaking up is probably the right move, but why have an unpleasant sit-down conversation about it? Here are some creative ways to get right out of that crummy relationship:
1. Witness A Mob Murder
Then it's off to witness protection where no relationships can follow!
2. Make A Sharp Turn During A Bike Ride
During your Sunday morning bike ride, take a sharp right turn and go down a different trail. This will tell your significant other that you two are just headed down different paths in life. The metaphor will be clear to them, and they'll never communicate with you again. You will both, however, always have a lingering hope that the other has achieved all they ever wanted to achieve.
3. Discover An Alternate Dimension
String theory suggests there are infinite parallel universes out there with only slight variations on our own, so with a simple lifetime of devotion to research in quantum physics, you can find another universe where everything is the same except you aren't in this relationship.
4. Erase Their Memory Via Coconuts
If Gilligan's Island has taught me anything, it's that if you get hit in the head with a coconut, you lose your memory. So why not walk your loved one out to a coconut tree farm where they're likely to catch a quick bonk in the head? Then they don't even remember your relationship! It seems mean, yes, but they'll eventually get their memory back, usually when The Professor figures out that a second bonk SHOULD bring them back to normal. It's just crazy enough to work.
5. Start Blinking A Lot
Start blinking a lot. Like, a lot though. More than people blink. It's not weird enough that she 'll notice you're intentionally doing something weird but just weird enough for her to notice and leave you without a word.
6. Start Watching Doctor Who
There are, like, sixty-eight seasons of Doctor Who. When you stop calling your significant other, at first they'll assume you're just busy taking in the many, many seasons of Doctor Who. By the time you're caught up, they'll have long forgotten about you. Sometimes they'll wake up in the middle of the night, questioning whether or not you were ever real at all.
7. Begin Crime Fighting
Everyone knows superheroes can't be in relationships -- their loved ones are put into too much danger. "Sorry sweetheart," you'll tell them. "What's keeping us apart is THE RIDDLER. If you're upset, you'll have to take it up with THE RIDDLER."
8. Trigger The Zombie Apocalypse
If you drop a vial of zombie virus at your part-time laboratory assistant job, you're right out of that relationship. You stop calling, they assumes you were eaten. That's what we call win-win.
Have you come up with any other creative ways to break up with someone? Spit 'em out in the comments!
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