Put the iPhone down. Look me in the eyes. Answer this: how long has that text convo been going on? How many tweets have you sent in the last ten minutes? Don’t you dare lie to me. I’ve seen the data plan charges – they’re astronomical. You’ve gone way over your limit, over the limits of any human being who functions in live-action society, and I can’t sit here anymore and watch you throw away your life in the name of a shiny black rectangle.
The first step on the road to recovery is acceptance. How many of these symptoms can you recognize in yourself?
1. You prefer FaceTime to Face-To-Face Time
You often find yourself wishing you could just FaceTime your interactions with people, rather than deal with the invasion of personal space and potential body odor. At least with FaceTime, if you get bored, you can see what they look like in landscape.
2. You need to know all things
It drives you nuts if you can’t think of the name of that actor in the original Spy Kids movie (I’ll save you: Antonio Banderas), and you got kicked out of a local trivia contest for blatantly Googling the answers. Your friends hesitate to bring up any new slang in front of you, for fear of derailing the conversation as you stop to Urban Dictionary it.
3. You spend more time logging your fitness than exercising
Calorie Counter app? Check. Run-timer app? Check. Photo blog about your hikes? Check. But you’re not really getting in shape because it all takes so long to chronicle.
4. You’ve learned many string instruments
While your iPhone is syncing, you learn classical guitar, just to keep your hands occupied at their normal level of movement. Last time you had to get a software upgrade, you published a sonata.
5. You reinvent manners
Knife and spoon on the right, fork and iPhone on the left. Listening through to the end of a sentence - optional. No need for “Thank You” notes, a simple “TY” text will suffice.
6. You hoard rice
You don’t have an earthquake kit or tornado shelter, but you have ten pounds of rice stored in your cupboard, just in case of a liquid disaster damaging your iPhone.
7. You send the wrong impression at bars
More than once, you’ve had a guy follow you to the bathroom.
8. The CIA kicked you out
You couldn’t stop yourself from checking in. Everywhere. You risked our nation’s security for an Abbottabad Library Mayorship on foursquare.
9. You experience withdrawal symptoms
If your iPhone’s battery, God forbid, ever runs out, and you have left your spare charger in your car and you’ve lent out your other spare, you find yourself having a nervous breakdown. You immediately start writing down all your childhood friends’ home phone numbers, the only numbers you know, the only people who’ll be able to save you in case you get lost or don’t know what your schedule is or all those worse things that happen when you aren’t in constant communication with everybody.
Don’t worry. There are others like you. Feel free to share your iPhone addiction stories in the comment section.
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