Whether they’re graduating from college, high school or elementary school, you’re going to have to bring a gift to the party. But have no fear. With a little ingenuity—and even less regard for what the graduate will think of you—you can quickly fashion inexpensive, one-of-a-kind presents that proudly say, “Here. Now gimme some cake.”
Gift Wastebasket (Contents Already Included)
Requires: Not being so quick to throw out the trash.
Instructions: Wrap wastebasket in brilliant red or green cellophane paper. Tie with attractive raffia bow. Deliver immediately before food spoils. Mumble apology.
Gas-Free Compact Car
Requires: Duct tape, bubble wrap, you standing in front of own desk for good part of the year.
Instructions: Take your desk chair. Secure graduate safely in chair with generous application of duct tape. Fashion helmet with bubble wrap and additional duct tape. Gently push from top of hilly street. Pray for minimal traffic and no sharp turns. Repair bones with duct tape.
Non-Electronic Lite Brite
Requires: Several hundred colorful pushpins and corkboard.
Instructions: Spend most of the party convincing graduate that art doesn’t have to glow to be fun.
Up-to-the-Minute Fashion
Requires: Graduate’s own clothes, a marker.
Instructions: Update graduate’s wardrobe by writing “2011” on all their T-shirts, pants and formal attire with a Sharpie. Ensure even trendier look by hot-gluing current calendar page on back or inseam of each article of clothing.
Helpful Advice
Requires: Sheer chutzpah to think someone would rather hear your wisdom then get an iPad.
Instructions: Take graduate outside, away from his or her party. Commence rambling, supposedly relatable anecdote about how life has repeatedly kicked you in the nuts and how you’ve lost every job you’ve ever had—including that assistant sales position at the taffy stand—because you were “too real.” Conclude by topping off your sixth gin and tonic while screaming, “They’ll get theirs! All of them!”
Get Them Kidnapped by World Travelers
Requires: A complete absence of concern for graduate’s well being.
Instructions: Can’t afford to send them on a post-graduation trip through Europe? A jet-setting summer can still be theirs so long as they don’t mind being taken—and tied and blindfolded—by strangers. Smile as you think of all the fun they’re having hearing the sounds of Paris, smelling the wonders of Rome and sneaking a quick glimpse of London before some very bad people slam the car trunk on them.
Their First Coffee Shop
Requires: Cleaning out contents of office break room, absconding with office coffee machine.
Instructions: Present graduate with everything they need to operate their own business except a small business loan, business location or belief they can successfully run a real business. “Coffee Shop” includes swiped coffee maker, swiped paper cups (mostly clean, one marked “Tips”), a fistful of swiped sugar and—for elementary school graduates—swiped decaffeinated coffee.
Magical Doorknob Game
Requires: Very gullible graduate, with the mind of a feeble-child.
Instructions: Unscrew knob from another door in the house. Give knob to graduate. Tell graduate that it is a “magical doorknob” that will permit him or her access to anyplace they wish to enter. Watch as graduate wanders around house holding doorknob out, believing it to allow access to such enchanting environments as the open-space living room or hallway. Prevent graduate from playing game when company is over.
So how do you plan to save money this gift-giving season while not coming off as too cheap, too thoughtless or too cheap AND thoughtless?
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