Everyone has grand plans for summer vacation. They want to travel to exotic lands. They want to have a torrid romance. They want to try every single flavor at Baskin Robbins, even the ones with names that start with “pickle” or “shoe.” The reality of such plans, however, is never quite what you expect...
1. Plan: Open yourself to new experiences
Reality: Close season with great distrust of alligators, unlicensed physicians and zipper masks.
2. Plan: Keep diary to record every thought
Reality: Learn upon diary review that you suffer from multiple personalities, each with their own sexual partner, speeding tickets and credit card debt.
3. Jump out of a plane or off a cliff
Reality: Jump off a curb to avoid a particularly scary Pekingese.
4. Perform stand-up comedy on stage
Reality: Get unbelievably drunk at a friend’s barbecue and do funny impressions of how every single guest there makes you want to vomit.
5. Travel to a wildlife preserve
Reality: Spend eight hours at your local pet store making funny faces and noises in front of an adorable kitten who couldn’t possibly be more bored by you.
6. Plan: Join a team sport
Reality: Quickly get annoyed by teammates when they don’t name you “Captain,” “Alternate” or “Teammate.” Opt instead to enter a marathon in the far-off future by carbo-loading today.
7. Plan: Read a good book a week
Reality: Complete five “Sweet Valley High” novels, two “Sweet Valley College” books and half of one “Sweet Valley PhD in Biomedical Engineering”.
8. Plan: Spend every waking moment outside
Reality: Spend almost every hour in your office trying to capture the feel of summer by renaming the conference room “the summer carnival,” the hallway “the boardwalk” and your cubicle “the nude beach.”
9. Plan: Get involved in a very worthy cause
Reality: Within a week come to redefine “get involved” as “anything that can be accomplished with spare change or leftover Chinese food.”
10. Plan: Tell self in August that this fall is when you’ll really get things done
Reality: Curse your own name come December.
So what are your big plans for the summer?
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