Most action hero stars or heros are hot as sh*t. They're tall, muscular, good-looking and always know exactly what to say right before delivering a death blow that somehow makes killing seem funny and justified. Other action stars just kinda miss the mark...
10. Seth Rogen – as The Green Hornet
Jack Black is sexy... Seth Rogen, not so much. He’s our generation’s Jonah Hill and we love him for that. But an action hero? I don’t think so. I don’t know a single girl that swooned during that movie (probably because I don’t know a single girl).
9. Howard the Duck
What’s most painful about this movie is you have to sit there and watch this horribly fake looking muppet make out with the hot mom from Back to the Future. What’s even more painful is watching George Lucas manage to create something less sexy than an Ewok.
8. Nicholas Cage – as Big Daddy in Kickass
How great was this movie? And how great was Nicholas Cage? And how uncomfortable did you feel watching him interact with a 10 year old? Yeah me too. I get that she was his daughter, but there was still a part of me that was waiting for him to tell her that he had candy and it tastes better in the van and there’s a puppy in his basement with her name on it. Sorry but that guy is just a big bucket of creepy.
7. John Travolta – as Terl in Battlefield Earth
Nothing says sex appeal like playing a monstrous Scientologist from another planet. Also the character that Travolta plays is pretty repulsive too. HEY-OH! Hey guess who shouldn’t have dreadlocks?
6. Patrick Stewart – as Captain Jean-Luc Picard in Star Trek
You can’t out-sexy Shatner, it’s impossible. Many a man has tried and many a man has failed. And Patrick Stewart doesn’t come close. Shatner could fall asleep and it would still be more intriguing than watching Stewart act. Also he looks like a giant baby and that’s just weird.
5. Linda Hamilton – as Sarah Conner in Terminator 2
What’s the opposite of a MILF? Is it a Linda Hamilton? I think so. Don’t get me wrong, she is an AMAZING actress. But sexy? Not quite. Which is totally fine. There’s something kind of refreshing about a female actress who doesn’t rely on her sex appeal, but can still have a solid career. Just ask Andy Dick.
4. RoboCop
I AM ROBOCOP. I AM AN EMOTIONLESS AUTHORITY FIGURE. I AM HERE TO FIGHT CRIME AND REMIND GIRLS OF THEIR FATHER. BEEBOO BEEBOO DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! … Yeah. I’ve never seen RoboCop. But there is no way that thing is sexy.
3. Tracy Morgan – as Paul Hodges in Cop Out
Watching Tracy Morgan run makes me want to get my cholesterol level checked. He’s like the personification of bacon. Really, hilarious, bacon. I love the guy but he is not sexy. He needs to leave the smooth-talking rebellious cop stuff to Eddie Murphy circa 1986, and stick to slothy roles.
2. Brigitte Nielsen – as Ludmilla Vobet Drago in Rocky IV
This is the young lady who married Sir Flava Flav a few years back. You think she looked like a crazy person then? You should have seen her in the 80s. She looked like if Arnold Schwarzenegger had a love child with one of his maids and…never mind.
1. Shaq – as Steel
The voice, the goofy eyes, his stature, it’s amazing this man can even walk straight with out bumping into a wall. He’s a giant goof ball, and in no place anywhere ever forever and ever amen should this guy be playing a superhero. Unless it’s a superhero who’s power is to appear on a summer reading poster in an elementary school, or filming a Play 60 commercial, this guy has no business being on camera. The worst part is, Steel is a GREAT movie, save for the fact that it’s a terrible movie.
Who is the least sexy action hero of all time?
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