So earlier today I had a thought. I was in the middle of rock-climbing-while-making-out-with-chicks-Wednesday, which is usually me time, when I realized something. I’m a manly dude, clearly, as evidenced by my frequent visits to Pep Boys. And I decided to make it my first priority to figure out the manliest way to spend a summer. In order to do this, I had to come up with the perfect list of the 10 manliest summer activities.
10. Knife Throwing
Knives are awesome. And throwing things is awesome. And throwing knives is super awesome! Boom. Math. The only way you’re going to get through this manly summer is by learning some defense techniques. And throwing sharp objects silently, from a far distance, is the best defense there is.
9. Swimming Across the Pacific
Let’s face it, the Atlantic is for wussies. The best way to make this summer count is kicking off a Hawaiian vacation by swimming to the islands wearing only jeans and a Montreal Expos baseball hat. Bonus points if you can do the whole thing in one breath.
8. Fighting for Money, Winning, then Refusing the Money
It’s not very gentlemanly to take money for winning a fight. All you need is the pride that comes from knowing you’re the best. Remember, real men don’t flaunt their strength, just their girl friends. And make sure to get someone to tie one of your arms behind your back. You know, to make it a fair fight.
7. Ignoring Hot Chicks
Nothing makes girls like you more than ignoring them. Read, The Game, it’s super manly. Keeping women at an arms length is a proven way to ensure your manliness as you can never seem desperate or too eager. Also, make sure you tell them that they could stand to lose a few pounds and insult their taste in everything.
6. Playin’ Street Ball
This has to be done very carefully. It has to seem completely spontaneous. What you have to do is discretely walk past a group of really talented guys playing ball. When they invite you to play, seem reluctant at first, roll your eyes a little. Then, when you school the whole group, walk away with out celebrating. It’s classy, and being manly is all about being classy. Right?
5. Survive in the Wilderness
You’re allowed to take a rock, a copy of Teen People, and 13 inches of Scotch tape. From these items you must survive, alone, in the wild, for 48 days. Pro tip – After fighting a bear, make sure it’s COMPLETELY dead before you turn your back and walk away. The last thing you’ll wanna do is have to kill that thing twice.
4. Get Shot
There’s no Unmanly way to get shot if you think about it. No conversation has ever gone; Guy - “yeah, so last summer I actually got shot while I was—“ Guy’s friend – “psh, pansy.” (Note: If the bullet is acquired from stepping in the way of a public figure during an assassination attempt this item is to be bumped up to number 1).
3. Master the Art of Fencing
This is going to be a necessary skill to have if you’re both out of knives and find yourself face to face with a Samurai. Which is very probable during a manly summer. The key is to not remove your fencing mask until you have vanquished all of your opponents. Then remove the mast, smile over your victory, and watch the ladies come flocking.
2. Win an Underground Car Race
I’m pretty sure that in order for this to happen you’re not allowed to call them “car races.” That sounds like when my mom calls me and asks me about an “internet web page site.” The point is, driving fast rules. Proving that you have the fastest car on the track goes a long way. No one can accuse you of not being manly enough if they can’t even catch you.
1. Jump out of a Helicopter while Shooting a Bazooka at Hitler
This is going to be tough since Hitler is dead, but it can still be done. Have you seen Weekend at Bernies? The fact of the matter is, if you can pull this off you will certainly go down in history as the manliest man to walk amongst men. Take that Dos Equis guy! I don’t always drink beer either buddy, but when I’m not, I’m freaking killing Hitler!
Now get out there and make me proud men! What are some other manly summer activities? What is the most manliest? Let's bro it out in the comments below.
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