Recently some scientific research done by a smarty-pants anthropologist has come to a very anti-Facebook conclusion. The human brain can only handle 150 friends max. Yup. It also comes to the conclusion that having more ‘friends’ can actually make you feel lonelier, because they are not real friends (with no sarcastic quotes). So it’s time to clear the clutter and start having more meaningful connections with those that survive the blood bath! Let the unfriending begin! If it’s making you all shakey and sweaty to think of hitting that unfriend button...why don’t you start with these no–brainers!
Anyone Promoting Their Lame Band
I do not want to see your band, it is the worst in all the land!
I will not see you in a bar, I will not drive, it’s much too far.
I do not think your band is good, You say please come, you say I should!
STFU already! BLOCKED! And I have no idea why I got all Seuss-ian with it…just came out that way.
The Person Your Mutual Friend Didn’t Warn You About
You know how you accept someone because they’re a friend of a good pal of yours and then you find out it was her boyfriend in rehab and now he’s a super goody-two-shoes who tsk tsk’s everything you do or say, making your Facebook life a living hell? Yeah I hate when that happens. FYI they will immediately request your friendship within minutes of you unfriending them (Facebook is their new addiction) so you better just block them.
People You Hated In High School
You’ve finally moved on and have great new friends. You’re a well-adjusted confident young adult. But you’re also still the little girl who wants to fit in. So you let the mean girls back into your life…big mistake. Now they’re tagging you in pictures from your awkward perm years and addressing you by your old nickname—Paws. Dump those beeyotches. Cause beeyotches never change, except for the plastic surgery.
Someone You Hooked Up With Once
The request starts off innocently enough…Hey remember me? No, not really, you think. But sure, since apparently you accepted his tongue in your mouth… why not accept his friend request? Keep that losing streak going! Unfriend him before people realize you kissed a guy that looks like he could get his ass kicked by Justin Bieber. And always remember…there’s a reason you forget things after drinking too much. It’s called unhealthy self-preservation.
The Friend Collector
This person is the king of ‘friends.’ He won’t miss you as you mean nothing to him. Say goodbye to the 1,000 notifications you get when you mistakenly comment on one of his updates! Yay!
Distant Relatives
You get a request from a cute kitten picture. It’s your Aunt Shirley’s Great Uncle or something like that. Whatever, they like cats, you like cats! You’re related, they’re old and they probably don’t know how to use Facebook anyway. You accept and forget. Then your friends start complaining that cute kitten named Cyrus is getting freaky with them. After some Face-sleuthing you find the above picture of him in a Craigslist personal ad and you notice he’s a fan of Viagra. Now you know why you’ve never seen him at a family reunion.
Your Ex's Family
I know keeping his super sweet but annoying family as friends was the grown up thing to do. But you need to dump them so you can finally start bad-mouthing their d-bag son on Facebook without feeling guilty. Sure it looks good to act mature, but it feels really good to act immature.
The Future Serial Killer
He was cool back in the day, when you guys used to cut class and hang in the parking lot listening to Marilyn Manson… okay well maybe that part wasn’t so cool. But now he just posts scary updates like ‘Would enjoy punching Alex and Jen in the face while saying DIE.’ Unfriend him now before you piss him off one day and become the straw that broke the psycho’s back!
What are some types of friends you would have no trouble dumping? Do you think you can have too many friends? Let’s discuss in the comments!
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