The highly unanticipated Green Lantern is coming out this weekend, not to be confused with the box office bomb The Green Hornet that came out last January. The Green Hornet at least had the superbad Kato, while The Green Lantern has the super-marbled-mouth blonde chick from Gossip Girl. Yeah. But even as lame as The Green Lantern will probably end up being, you can see why they would make a movie about this particular superhero. I mean it makes more sense than being powerless against the color yellow. But the following superheroes…well, let’s just say anything starring them is definitely NOT in development.
She-Thing
I'm pretty sure no one's clammering for a Rosie O'Donnel comeback vehicle. And do we really wanna see a live action version of this?
I rest my case.
Starfox
Starfox’s power is that he can stimulate the pleasure centers in people and basically they’re so turned on they do whatever he tells them to do. And a lot of times what he wants them to do is to get busy with him. This is the sort of the superhero version of roofies. And not very heroic of him I might add. Hello, feminist outrage!
Bouncing Boy
Bouncing Boy… guess what? Has the power to inflate like a ball and bounce. He’s kind of like Violet Beauregarde from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but somehow way stupid-er. Pass.
The Wonder Twins
This one is sad cause I have a lot of nostalgic love in my heart for Zan and Jayna. But movie superheroes need to soar across the big screen. No one wants to pay ten bucks to watch a baboon with a bucket of water or an anteater and a tidal wave with a face floating in it. Plus their sidekick monkey is named Gleek. Not cool Wonder Twins! So no movie, but at least we’ll always have “Wonder Twin powers activate!” I still love saying that!
The Wallflower
The Wallflower is a pretty teen mutant that can manipulate the emotions of other people with her pheromones. So kind of like a superhero version of Bella Swan…DON’T WANT! And judging by the photo above... she kind of seems like a b*tch.
Extrano
They should have called this superhero offensive gay stereotype. He’s flamboyant in dress and in manner. He refers to himself in the third person as Auntie. He’s a magician who takes out foes woth his magical ping pong balls. And the topper…he is attacked by the ‘ AIDS vampire" who is named the Hemo-Goblin and becomes HIV+. I’d like to give DC Comics credit for promoting diversity but they did such a bad job of it. The GBLT community would be protesting this movie the second it got the greenlight.
Arm Fall Off Boy
I actually adore the complete lack of creativity they used in coming up with this name. It’s beyond literal. It’s grammatically incorrect literal. His ‘power’? He can remove his arms and use them as clubs. Why not just use a club I say? And this is what people would be thinking the whole movie. Not gonna happen.
Squirrel Girl
Oh Marvel…a superhero who’s super powers are having squirrel-like abilities? I mean granted, she did defeat Doctor Doom with her sidekick squirrel…Tippy-Toe...yeah, Doctor Doom is still licking his wounds over that one. But with her bushy tail and buck-toothed smile…not exactly the sexy summer heroine people pay money to see. Unless you find the fact that she really likes eating nuts sexy.
The Whizzer
Okay Marvel, first you want me to accept that a combination of cobra venom and mongoose blood gave a young boy super speed. Then you want me to accept his urine-colored costume and that he’s named The Whizzer? No. The only way this becomes a movie is if it’s written by Trey Parker and Matt Stone and it stars R. Kelly. And btw if your name is the Whizzer, no one wants to see your surprise number 2.
What do you think is the lamest superhero movie ever made? What other superhero movies won't be made? Let us know in the comments!
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