With four superhero movies coming out this summer, no doubt you’ve dreamt of fighting crime to the delight of citizens and the sheer panic of your parents. But who can afford all those costumes, secret hideouts and super vehicles in this economy? Well, close the wallet and open your mind as we give you the step-by-step instructions on how to become a true cost-conscious crime fighter.
1. Come Up with a Cheap Origin Story
True, Captain America got his superpowers through a secret, high-cost government experiment. But who needs federal dollars or science when you can create your own exciting superhero origin story using inexpensive, everyday items around the house? With a little ingenuity you can come up with such cheap background stories as “My cat scratched me and now I’m blessed with the super feline power to nap 18 hours a day” or “I swallowed a bug by mistake and now I fight crime to get my mind off the fact that I actually swallowed a nasty bug by mistake.”
2. Don’t Give Yourself a Fancy Name
Yes, we’d all like to fight crime as “Electric Falcon Laser-Eye Man.” But just think of how much you’d have to live up to with that name. First there’s the prosthetic beak. Then there’s the wiring. And falcons aren’t exactly known for riding their bikes or taking the bus so you’re gonna have to construct some sort of flying device. Plus, you’d have to build the Falcon Aerie, your top-secret headquarters that consists of a 4000 sq. foot nest supported by 300-foot pillars and built out of high-tech straw and twigs. Best to just go as “Year-Round-Shorts Guy,” which doesn’t sound impressive at first, but will certainly wow them come February when you’re not technically dead from the knees down.
3. Design a Costume Using Your Own Clothes
We all remember when Peter Parker sketched all those costume designs that would test both a teenager’s budget and sewing skills. But why go through such trouble when many of your T-shirts already have logos and writing on them, perhaps providing you with both an identity AND a catchphrase. (“Have no fear! ‘Dr. Pepper’ is here! Just…just don’t ask me to perform any surgeries. I only brought my car keys.”) Of course, you may not want to be known as “Old Navy 2011” but with a favorite tee, a pillowcase for a cape and a complete disregard for your family’s good name you can easily go as “Jimmy Eat World Bleed American Tour Man.”
4. Keep Crime Fighting Area to a Minimum
Batman protects Gotham. Superman protects Metropolis. The Fantastic Four protect Manhattan. The problem is all of these cities cost a fortune in rent. That means you’d have to share an apartment, making it even harder to keep your superhero identity a secret…much less keep any leftover food in the fridge. I mean, come on, they know that’s not their sandwich! Yet all that effort you put in to making a Subway 6” hero last three meals is blown when that a**-hat of a roommate Josh just eats the whole damn thing! And this is AFTER he filled the DVR with “Jerseylicious” episodes! That’s why it’s best to just fight crime on one block. Perhaps your parents’ block, because your mom tends to feed you and not charge rent.
5. Have as Few Supervillains as Possible
Let’s be honest. Being a superhero is going to cost you, whether it’s in Band-Aids, bandages, splints, ER visits or organ transplants. In short, the biggest part about being a hero is the bleeding, and that always comes with a big bill. That’s why you should make as few enemies as possible. Better yet, try to make friends with EVERYONE, even if they’re blowing up the mayor’s office or kidnapping a loved one. Sure, you won’t be able to look at yourself in the mirror anymore, but you will be able to walk up and down stairs and eat solid foods every day without paying for expensive physical therapy or a new lower jaw.
6. Avoid Sidekicks
Having a sidekick is a lot like having a summer intern. Not only will they steal from your office (anything from pens to that homemade grappling gun that should never, ever be used), but they’re also going to make a lot of mistakes. Mistakes that as your employee you are legally—and financially—responsible for. You’ll also have to make them a costume, which can get expensive if they don’t wear the same T-shirt size as you. Not to mention that should you be the kind of superhero who accepts tips or outright bribes you’re going to have to give your sidekick a cut, even if all they’ve done is let out a piercing shriek and jump through the windshield when that cop pulled you over for rolling through a stop sign.
7. Don’t Make Any Promises
A lot of superheroes make boasts like, “I will rid this town of all villainy!” But they soon realize that’s not exactly something one can do during lunch breaks, weekends or as excuse to leave the family dinner table on Thanksgiving. That means they eventually have to quit their jobs, hire several sidekicks and go into spiraling debt all because some bad guy who really has a thing for penguins just won’t leave. So keep all promises small and manageable, like “I’ll do what I can but summers are MY time,” “I’m not the only one who can call the cops” or “Trust me, I’ll get the guy who keyed my car.”
8. Know When to Call It Quits
People rarely work for the same company all their lives anymore. So who says you have to get regularly beaten or dangled off of bridges by complete strangers until you’re 80? Besides, how long can you be expected to hold a job that doesn’t pay, doesn’t allow tax deductions because of your “secret identity” and can’t get you real work because few companies hire people who put “leather mask” on their resumes? Just know when you’ve had enough and remember the budget-conscious superhero’s ultimate catchphrase: “I’m doing this until they make me full-time at Foot Locker!”
Do you have any tips for those interested in pursing a career as a low-budge superhero? Leave them in the comments.
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