We’ve all had those unbelievable hot summer days when it’s too uncomfortable to go outside, but far too boring to stay indoors. With a little ingenuity and some questionable decision making skills, you can enjoy hours of fun trapped inside your own house as you wait for a break in the temperature or just a mental breakdown.
1. Dress all in black. Don ski mask. Crouch behind sofa. Giggle.
Nothing helps pass the time like having something to look forward to, even if it is surprising anyone who passes through the living room. Simply dress in your best ninjawear, hide behind a sizeable piece of furniture (that’s not pressed up against the wall to avoid suffocation) and wait. And wait. And wait. After a few hours you’ll either be so excited to pounce on a roommate or family member you’ll practically explode with giddy anticipation, or you’ll remember that you live alone.
2. Write down a snappy comeback for every situation imaginable.
Long, hot summer days are a great time to get caught up on revenge, even for things that haven’t happened yet. Just sit down and write a long list of every snide, mean or unfortunately-accurate-yet-still-cruel remark anyone may ever say to you in your lifetime. Then start coming up with a great retort of three for each one of them until you feel you’re ready for anything life may throw at you, or get so overcome with rage and hurt feelings you decide to never go outside again.
3. Cover yourself in pillows. Play “Human Pinball.”
Who says you need to go outside, hang out with friends or be particularly well in the head to have fun? Just put on several pillows and literally bounce off your walls. Or cover yourself in saltines and play every shut-in’s favorite game, “Cracker Man.” Or simply see how long you can walk around your house wearing a colander on your head, oven mitts on your hands and soup ladles strapped to your feet, before becoming convinced you’re your own kitchen.
4. Come up with a fascinating backstory and devious motive for each and every one of your spoons.
Have you ever stared at your silverware and wondered what they do when you’re not home or using them to eat food? Well, wonder no more. First, take out every one of your spoons, forks, knives and even chopsticks and lay them out on the kitchen counter. Then give each a nametag. Then underneath each fill out an index card with their hometown, family members, likes and dislikes and finally greatest dreams. Then help each fulfill that dream. Then tell absolutely no one that you did any of this.
5. Start dance craze by continuously performing in front of window for all to see.
Just because it’s too hot to go outside doesn’t mean you can’t be seen. And talked about. And filmed. Just put on your best dancin’ clothes, get in front of your biggest window and lose it to the music. Eventually you’ll draw a large crowd of curious onlookers or confused wildlife, depending on where you live. Soon everybody will be copying your sweet moves as you become the hit of your neighborhood and YouTube…until someone else decides to get in front of their window and start a stripping craze.
6. Pit M&M’s and Skittles against each other in battle to the death.
People often say that one food or drink is better than the other. But the only way to truly find out for certain is through intense head-to-head competition between brands. Start by having them go against each other in taste. Those who survive go on to compete in a marathon race, involving you putting down and picking up pieces of candy throughout your house. After that comes the floor exercises and uneven bars competition. And then you conclude with you lying on the couch, a cold washcloth on your head, taking a wise break from food-related Olympics.
7. Design and sew wedding dresses for your cats.
Long stretches of time spent indoors are a good time to get reacquainted with your pets. First you show them a little attention. Then you run around the house with them. Then you play charades. Then you get into loud political arguments with them. Then you laugh together for no reason for upwards of five hours straight. Then you take their measurements and create a whole line of feline or canine wedding couture, cocktail dresses and wrestling uniforms. It’s around this time that you realize no matter how hot it is you should probably go outside anyway and meet people.
8. Pretend you’re in prison. Try to escape by hiding in your own laundry basket.
After a string of sweltering summer days you can start to feel like a prisoner in your home. So why not embrace that feeling? Try to conduct all online business transactions with cigarettes. Get into fights with others in the prison cafeteria (read: “your own kitchen”). Join a gang that may or may not involve your parents, spouse or favorite stuffed animal. Then spends hours planning your cunning escape until you realize your car has AC, at which point you just drive to the movies.
Do you have any other suggestions?
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