You probably think of your teachers as being a lot like your parents: coming home after a hard day's work popping open a drink and chilling in front of the TV. But your parents don't get 3 months of the year off. That's a lot of time to fill. What do teachers generally do with all that off time? Here are the top ways that teachers spend their summer.
Fighting Crime
Three months is a lot of time to kill. And what better way to kill all that time than adopting an alter ego and keeping the city streets safe from scum?
Inventing Crazy Things
With all that time to kill a lot of teachers turn to inventing things to fill the void. But three months is a long time, and after awhile the inventions just start to get crazier and crazier. Some of the craziest inventions bored teachers have created over the summer include vegetables that scream when they're being cut, a lawnmower that makes grass longer, and the script for "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium."
Gathering In The Woods For Mysterious Reasons
No one knows why all the teachers go into the woods and gather late when the moon is full on dark summer nights, because no one who has tried to find out has ever returned. All we know is that whenever they do there are always strange lights, eerie songs in a language no one knows, and for three days afterward all the sparrows fly upside down.
Hanging Out With Charles Barkley
Teachers love hanging out with Charles Barkley on account of his hilarious slow speech patterns and love of practical jokes. So teachers can always be seen chilling out poolside at Charles' luxurious Bel Air mansion. There is a price to be paid however for unlimited access to Sir Charles's mansion. He makes all the teachers refer to him as "Sir Charles," and if they don't compliment his novelty chef's hat when they come up to get a burger at the grill they have to go to the back of the line.
Solving Mysteries With A Dog, A Stoner, A Buff Yuppie, A Nerd, And A Hot Girl
I know it sounds like Scooby Doo, but it's not. All teachers just happen to have exactly five friends that happen to be very similar in demeanor to the cast of that popular seventies cartoon, and coincidentally get a lot of excitement from solving mysteries.
Holding In Their Farts
It's an old wives tale that if a teacher can hold in his or her fart until the beginning of the next school year then they'll get a well behaved class of students. Every year countless teachers needlessly die during summer from holding their farts for three entire months because of this old superstition, so please help us get the word out to teachers that they should just let their farts go. Every year more and more teachers off themselves by holding in their gas all summer long, and statistics indicate that if the numbers keep rising, by the year 2034 there will be no more teachers.
Frantically Try To Get The Job They Actually Wanted
Most teachers are English majors who couldn't get first novels published and spend the rest of their lives trying to tell themselves that it's OK that they now spend their weekends grading spelling tests and being frustrated that most of the students still somehow manage to misspell "hegemony" even after "I told them it would be on the damn test."
What would you do during the summer if you were a teacher? Let us know in the comments!
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