So here’s our problem in a nutshell. Basically, Amurrca was born just over a couple hundred years ago, and had a rough start, let’s call it “the terrible twos.” Then it got involved in some heavy wars at a young age and kicked ASS! We were like the Bobby Fischer of expansionist military tactics. Then we started getting in over our heads, we had the 1960s, which was a big time for drug culture, let’s just call that “the college years.” Now Amurrca is a post grad with a ton of student loans to pay off, no job, and no skill set thanks to the fact that we majored in theater. However, I have found 8 simple ways we can reduce the debt problem that Washington seems to be choosing to ignore.
8. Sell Ad Space on Monuments
I mean really, why hasn’t this been done already? It’s so simple, take all the nation's monuments and sell space to corporations. We already have advertisements everywhere else; no one would even notice itCOKE. We could make a lot of money quickly by simply turning the Washington Monument into the world’s largest ExtenZe ad.
7. Alchemy
We just ditched NASA, fine, but we might as well recycle that research space and put those techno-geniuses that work there to good use by finding ways to create gold out of not gold. This country is BRILLIANT at finding ways to create something out of nothing; the Iraq War, bird flu, this very debt crisis, Carmageddon. If only we could find a way to make money off of our ability to make crap up!
6. Outsourcing Our Outsourcing Firms
It’s expensive to save money by sending jobs overseas. If only we could figure out a way to send the process of sending jobs overseas over said seas. I mean that’ll be annoying for the corporations, but who really cares about them anyway...am I right? Every time they try to outsource they’ll have to wait on hold for an hour, talk to someone in India they can’t understand, hope their cell doesn’t drop the call… But at the end of the day, it’s worth it to save a couple bucks, right?
5. Shut Down The Schools
There’s been so much debate lately about the money going to education, and teachers being paid too much, let’s just end the public education system all together. I mean really, knowledge shouldn’t be for EVERYONE. It’s not voting people. There used to be a time when education was for white men, and what a peaceful time it was. We lived in perfect harmony with one another and our dinosaur brothers, way back in 1312 BD. I mean come on, who needs history classes?
4. National Garage Sale
Everything must go y’all! Strike up the craigslist ads and pull out the old boxes cause Amurrca’s cleanin’ house! I’m sure there are plenty of poorer countries that would love our old tanks and space shuttles, especially if we offer them at a low cost. Just look at all the rebels out there who have to battle dictatorships, we should be selling arms to those rebels…AND those dictatorships. Have we learned nothing from Iron Man 2?
3. Tax Peeps Who Abreev Words IRL
I totes hate it when people do this. Is it really that hard for you to just SAY Central Intelligence Agency instead of “CIA.” God, it just makes you sound so dumb. And can we ban all web references from real life; I like to keep my internet world completely separate from real life. Any reminder that a connection online is still a connection with another human being just ruins the whole appeal of it. I mean if I HAD people skills, I’d be talking to people.
2. Bailout From Corporations
Apparently Lehman Brothers is too big to fail but the U.S. Government is totally expendable. Ann Coulter the other day said that we could save a ton of money by firing everyone who works for the government. That’s a great idea, Ann. Those people are leeches. I mean we don’t need anyone to, oh say, put out fires. How about the government does a 180, cause they’re REAL good at that, and tax back that money they gave to corporations who last year turned out to make a profit. Hey look at that, we’re rich again!
1. Sell Off Representative Eric Cantor’s Extensive Beanie Baby Collection
Homie’s got mad beans, trust me. He doesn’t bring them up at the budget talks but all of Washington knows. It’s just sad that these wealthy politicians have their hands in the pockets of the big corporations. These people who collect 90% of the country’s Beanie Babies need to make a few sacrifices. To be honest, there’s no difference in having 2 million Beanie Babies versus 1 million, really after a few hundred thousand, everything else is just excess and greed.
Let’s say everyone who buys over 1,000,000 Beanie Babies a year sells off 35% of their Beanie Babies, that’s the same rate at which non-collectors sell their Beanie Babies and they have less to give away! This way, we’d have enough Beanie Babies to get us out of Ty debt, and Representative Cantor gets to keep his Princess Diana Beanie Bear.
What are your ideas for solving the debt crisis? Let's discuss serious issues in a humorous way in the comments!
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