The Old West was a trying time indeed. You had to be quick with a gun. You had to know how to live off of unforgiving land. And apparently you had to know how to do battle with extraterrestrials and Harrison Ford’s late-career stoic acting style. But what if the cowboys of yesteryear had to face these even more terrifying foes?
1. Smurfs
Small, seemingly defenseless and most likely unable to steal any of the women away from the local brothel, the Smurfs at first seem like no threat at all. But this is before the cowboys discover that Smurfs breed like rabbits, even before the arrival of Smurfette. Soon the entire town is overrun by tiny blue men wearing white pants with what the cowboys hope are their tails sticking out back. All seems lost until the local apothecary realizes that if you throw hot water at a Smurf it turns into gold. And so the great California Gold Rush of 1848 is born.
2. Spartans
Relentless, remorseless and prone to shouting who they are right before battle, the Spartans prove a frightening, ferocious enemy. But nothing is more horrifying to the overwhelmed cowboys than the fact that the Spartans often like to fight naked. Too scared to look at another man’s private parts, the cowboys cover their eyes with one hand while firing wildly with the other, repeatedly shooting their own men. After a while the Spartans just sit off to the side, enjoying some nice ouzo as the cowboys run blindly into cactuses, off cliffs and straight into the new Transcontinental Railroad.
3. Killer Bees
With bullets killing everything but the bees and even the tiniest lassos proving highly ineffective, the cowboys finally defeat the menace by unleashing a flock of insect-eating birds. Unfortunately, the cowboys are then pecked to within an inch of their lives, forcing them to release wave after wave of cats to eat the birds. But then the town is almost destroyed by thousands of tabbies, so they must find the felines’ mortal enemy. This continues until the cowboys are fighting a swarm of Godzillas.
4. Evil Exes
At first the cowboys are confused by the sudden appearance of all their evil exes. Then they are confounded by the fact that all their exes now somehow know martial arts. Then they are flummoxed by the constant visual and audio references to 8-bit videogame technology that’s still a good two centuries away. But thanks to some good ol’ western know-how, hearty frontier gumption and hardened demeanors, the cowboys do the only reasonable thing possible—drop to their knees and beg forgiveness.
5. Robots
Having never seen such mechanized marvels, the cowboys at first try to defeat the robots by giving them disease-infected blankets, only to realize that robots don’t get sick. Then they try to destroy their way of life, only to realize that robot life consists of “kill” and “recharge to kill some more.” Then they try to sign a false treaty with them, only to realize the robots added a rider stating all agreements must be finalized with severed heads. In the end the cowboys move to a reservation and the robots open a very lucrative casino.
6. Kardashians
The cowboys can’t tell what’s worse—the mysterious influx of large posterior people or the hundreds of cameras that follow them. Then the invading force starts to talk and the frontier people know that they are truly in hell. Unable to look away without seeing yet another Kardashian doing something somewhere for the sake of being seen doing anything for any attention, the cowboys start to lose their minds. And then their collective will to live. Fortunately, their eventual mass suicide is caught on camera and broadcast over three seasons on E! as “What a West of Time.”
7. Death Eaters
In an attempt to rid the Old West of all Muggles so that purebred wizards can enjoy pony rides, the Death Eaters attack the cowboys using all the dark magic at their disposal. Unable to compete with their enemy’s spells and ever-fashionable black outfits, the cowboys instead hold witch trial after trial, first to get rid of the wizards and then to point fingers at each other. By the end all of the Death Eaters and the cowboys have been executed, allowing the Native Americans to come back to claim their territory and arm themselves with magic wands.
What are some invasions you'd like to see cowboys take on? Let us know in the comments!
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