Ah, elementary school. Those carefree, bygone days of simplicity. A seemingly endless carousel of frolicking on playgrounds and tea parties and…wait. Who am I kidding? I found just as many things to be stressed about at age 8 as I did at age 18. I remember learning the word “mandatory” and being like, oh, I get it. And then I became consumed with the scary probability that I might disappoint an authority figure or that my report card wouldn't say that I had “exceeded expectations”. Why were we made to think that the most mundane tasks and trivial subjects were so gravely necessary? Here’s what your life would look like, if the things that were important in elementary school still were.
1. Cursive
The secret code of the Older Kids. I remember being so excited to learn cursive, and once taught, I lorded the knowledge of how to make a capital “Q” over my immigrant grandparents. If elementary school were that important, you’d be writing handwritten notes to your boss about matters, the neatness of which would correlate directly with your level of self-actualization.
2. State Reports
If elementary school were that important, every state in the USA would bear equal relevance in your day-to-day dealings. Your extensive knowledge of the natural landmarks of Idaho (i.e. Shoshone Falls) would especially come in handy at those cocktail parties when you find yourself speaking to a member of the Kutenai tribe.
3. Name On The Board
Those who suffered the indignity of having their name written on the board in elementary school would be haunted by the offense on their record for the rest of their life. Branded ne’er-do-wells, these people would find it difficult to get jobs, pass through airport security, and otherwise find happiness. All because of that one time when the hand went up but the mouth did not go shut.
4. Lava
In our hypothetical world, lava is something you think about every day. You can’t cross the street without acknowledging that there’s magma somewhere under that tar, and magma is different from lava. Also, there are tectonic plates.
5. Multiplication License
Not sure if every school did this, but at Wescott Elementary, we received a laminated paper “license” once we were able to complete a certain number of timed multiplication tests and tables. If elementary school were that important, you wouldn’t be able to multiply under the influence, which would prevent a lot of unwanted pregnancies.
6. School Supplies
If elementary school were that important, we’d all have a much clearer definition of what material things we needed to be considered “put-together.” Someone would give us a new list every year, and if we were able to obtain all the items on it, we could rest on our Trapper Keepers, accomplished. Someone give me a list, dammit! I throw way too much money at half-hearted organization attempts.
7. Classrooms
We’d only be required to really get to know 18-20 people, and everyone else would be considered The Other. We would follow one leader, granting him/her cult-like status as he/she showed us The Truth, and we’d know exactly where we stood in line if we were ever to venture out into the world beyond the confines of our compound. We’d discover our identity in relation to others in our group, some of us playing The Fool, some of us playing The Obedient, rarely ever breaking free of these roles once assigned. At the end of a year’s time, we’d undergo a rite of passage, in a tearful ceremony involving compilation of a portfolio of tribal art and written myths to be dug up and shown to our children in years to come.
8. Chicken Pox
If elementary school were that important, only those who have already overcome the pox of the chicken would survive in today’s world. The rest of us would, one-by-one, die a slow, itchy, quarantined death. We’d lament not having interacted with more infected children in our youth, as chicken pox has spread through our now adult generation like the black plague of 14th century Europe.
What do you guys think? What else did elementary school make you think was SO important? Let's discuss in the comments!
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