Are you feeling hungry? You want to go to the Taco Bell, you say? I DON'T WANT TO HEAR NONE 'O THAT GARBAGE NO MORE. You're a grownup man AND/OR woman, and AS SUCH, you go GROCERY SHOPPING. Like cavemen in that paleolithic era, you gotta capture your own food, except instead of MAKESHIFT SPEARS and yer BARE HANDS you can use CASH MONEY and LITTLE RED HAND BASKETS. Society sure has become a sniveling little child as of late.
WHAT'S THAT you say? You don't know how to grocery shop? Well, here are some goddamn tips, but SPOILER ALERT. You ain't getting no Keebler Elf Cookies or 59 cent DONUTS on this goddamn grocery trip. It's nothin' but MAN-FOOD from this point forward, you hear?
1. Steak
It's time to start thinking of animals as our ENEMIES. They think they can protect their delicious, meaty bodies from us? NUH UH. Now, someone went to great pains to slay that beast, so you honor that by buyin' ALL THE STEAK YOU CAN. You can never have enough. Buy more. MORE. Throw all the steak they got in that shoppin' cart.
2. Fruits and Vegetables
You'll want to be a BIG, STRONG adult, so eat some goddamn pears and oranges. If you don't, you're gonna catch SCURVY, the most childish disease I ever did see.
3. Boring-Ass Granola Cereal
Grownups don't get childish cereals like HONEY SMACKS or CAPTAIN MUNCH or FROSTED SALLIES or whatever — they get grown up cereals with a SOFT COLOR PALLETTE and their names written in GODDAMN ITALICS. If you bought some cereal with a f*cking CARTOON VAMPIRE ON IT, you're doing it WRONG.
4. Eggs (JUMBO SIZED)
Do you know how much you can do with eggs? HO. LY. SH*T you can do E'RYTHING! Omelettes, scrambled eggs, mashed eggs, and ETCETERA! Buy some eggs, have eggs in every meal.
Furthermore, did you know eggs are just baby chickens? Nothin' tastes sweeter than eating the unborn children of yer enemies.
5. Fresh Bread
I know, I know, you like to get the 99 cent loaf of value bread to smear on your goddamn ONE-JAR GOOBER GRAPE PB + J glop. Well you know what?
GROWNUPS SPEND MONEY TO GET GOOD THINGS.
Get some soft, flaky french bread. Ain't no one ever say on their death bed "Thank God I saved all that money buyin' terrible bread!" Remeber, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LIVE FOREVER. And while we're on the subject, how about you buy peanut butter and jelly in separate jars, huh? Do some WORK for once in your life.
6. Fun Size Milky Ways (But Only A Goddamn FEW)
Because even a grownup deserves a TREAT.
7. Coffee. NO CREAM
You'll want to get some coffee to drink for the mornin' time, when you need to wake up early and sprint ten miles or rip out tree stumps from your yard. But DO NOT get any cream. Cream turns your BURNING BLACK CUP OF ADULTHOOD into a childish, lily livered FRAPPACINO. At that point, you might as well get some EXTRA FOAM for yer MILKSHAKE. I swear to God you are useless.
8. Pasta
Do you know how to cook PASTA? It is CRAZY EASY, even for a man as dumb and timid as you. Boil some water — a task that essentially consists of TURNING A KNOB AND WALKING AWAY — and then putting in some noodles. "What's the next step?" you whine. The next step is DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES. This is the perfect time for you to finish that last really, really hard Horse Adventure.
When the time's up, simply toss that pasta into a strainer and devour. You DO have a strainer, don't you? I swear to God if you try to put a plate against the edge of the pot to catch the pasta while you pour that water out I will STRAIGHT UP MURDER YOU.
What childish foods are you ready to put behind you as you move forward into GROWNUPHOOD? Why not let me know on Twitter — @mikeymccollor — or pipe up in the comments?
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