As most of you probably know, there’s a movie coming out, Friends With Benefits, that’s kinda like another movie No Strings Attached and contains themes that can also be found in another movie, Bridesmaids. (Why would they do that? I don’t have that many 13 dollars to spend on things that I hope will mirror my life but only make me feel inadequate!) Releasing similar movies within a few months of each other must mean that Hollywood thinks the concept of an ongoing sexual relationship between two friends is a relatable, widespread idea, like “prom” or “cars.” Come on, Hollywood. By legitimizing such a relationship, you’re just helping to perpetuate the lie. It’s not ultimately friends with benefits or FWB, when you factor in all the other crap that comes with it. Here’s the real-life analysis of a FWB relationship.
Having A Go-To
The first and most obvious factor is a huge benefit: having a go-to person to satisfy your…needs. This alleviates a lot of the stress of “who am I going to sloppily make out with in the middle of the dance floor?” and “who will do the things for me that I can’t do for myself?” At least this person will be pre-screened.
SCORE: +10
But What If You’re Not Their Go-To?
Okay, so factor #1 pertains more to the movie version of FWB. Because in real life, you might not be the only friend from whom your friend is obtaining benefits. He/she might have secondary insurance, and given the implied non-committal nature of your relationship, he/she wouldn’t have to disclose this information. Dammit. So you might be left hanging at 2am outside of the pizza place, after all. Go ahead, eat that third slice.
SCORE: -15
You Have Options
But wait, #2 means you have options, too. You could go home with whatever hottie comes your way. You never know who’ll be twitching at the dance. (Do my West Side Story references betray my inexperience with this sentiment?)
SCORE: +5, I guess.
Lack Of Brunch
FWB usually don’t indulge in brunch together, which is sad, because brunch is the best part of my week. (Which I recognize is also sad.) On the rare occasion that FWB do grab a bite to eat, the check can quickly get awkward. Really? You couldn’t have paid for my omelet? I purposely didn’t order avocado. No wonder we’re not dating.
SCORE: -25
You Can Participate In Conversations
People love talking about relationships, usually with regard to how annoyed/neglected/abused they feel. If you have a FWB, you now have something to contribute to the discussion. Think of all the attention you’ll get as you vacillate between being okay with it and feeling used.
SCORE: +10
Save Money
If you have a FWB, you won’t have to plan creative dates or birthday gifts. You just need enough money to pay for your cell phone’s data plan.
SCORE: +30
Your Family Is Not Pacified
Unfortunately, you still have nothing to say when your grandfather asks you how your “social life” is going. It’s tough to explain that you’re seeing someone, but neither of you feels the other is worthy of the pact of exclusivity that you’d get from even the label of “together.” You are still a target for being set up on blind dates with anyone of your same age range and religion. Run.
SCORE: -80
Therapy Bills
Whatever money you’ve saved in not making things official with planned excursions, you’re just going to dish out to your therapist – if not immediately, then ten years down the line when you’re trying to figure out what this all was and why it never materialized into anything more, and why this particular relationship blinded you to so many other possibilities at the time. Did you not feel you deserved it? Was he a narcissist? Is this your dad’s fault? Probably. Or maybe Hollywood’s, for making you think this was a legitimate version of a love life.
SCORE: -1000
TOTAL: -1065, whatever that means.
CONCLUSION: Just like in the Revolutionary War, the loyalists will end up getting hurt. Think twice before you allow yourself to get involved in a casual, brunchless relationship!
What do you guys think: is it friends with benefits? Or more like friends with benefits AND drawbacks?
Check Out 9 Celebs You Should Never Take Relationship Advice From!
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